Friday, June 26, 2009

6/26-Summer movies

are always something I look forward to.  I love love love summer flicks especially if they are poorly constructed narratives with pretty people and lots of explosions.  I used to feel guilty about going to see movies like James Bond and Pirates of the Caribbean more than once, but have since reconciled to my geek-dom and will proudly declare that I intend to see HP6 on Wednesday, July 15 at Midnight and probably once or twice after.

But, I'll be damned if I see Transformers 2.

"Transformers 2: Revenge of Megan Fox's Ass or Some Such Shit"/UN-PLUG

Maybe I just have a thing against robot movies.  Maybe that's the line I draw in the science fiction/fantasy sand.  I didn't like Robocop, I thought that Will Smith movie with all the AI drones was awful, had no desire to see T3 or 4, and I will go ahead and tell you right now that GI-JOE: Robo Suit Reload will be getting a "no" from me.

Or maybe it's just that Michael Bay can't make a movie to save his smarmy ass.  So instead, he recruits James Cameron's old FX people and shoots Megan Fox like she's in a softcore porno as evidenced below (And, as a fun trivia side note: Michael Bay did, in fact, use to direct pornos).  

Is Megan beautiful? Yes. Do I envy her? Of course.  Would I ever make out with her? No.  There's just this waxy desperation about her.  And I will go ahead and say it...she has had work done. As in lots of work.  That bike she's straddling and pretending to fiddle with could be a metaphor for her face. Have you seen pictures of her before she became famous? Sorry, but puberty does not do that to ANYBODY. 

And she's not a great actress.  But Shia LaDouche is which is upsetting because he's totally wasted on these movies.  The trailer is below.  If you didn't see the first movie (and this is the only reason you would be curious about the second) you can watch it and see why it will be awful. Or you can save 2 minutes of your life and take my word for it.  

And the other weekend opener:
"My Sister's Keeper"/UN-PLUG

If you saw Star Trek and were at the theater in time to see the previews then you can corroborate with me on this.  I didn't make it through the mother fucking trailer.  Did you?  If you did, you are stronger than me.  Because the tears were flowing hot and heavy.  Seriously, if you haven't seen this, watch it and try not to get emotional.  I dare you.

So why the UN-PLUG? 

Because when those hot and heavy tears rolled down my face in the dark theater where no one could see, they felt shameful.  Not beautiful and liberating like they feel when I watch Little Women or read Mrs. Dalloway.  There is no pathos mingled with joy, no sympathy that approaches uncomfortable proximity, no spark of the divine.  They are cheap tears. 

Like Pavlov's dogs, we have been programmed by the powers that be to feel the deepest imaginable pain for the cute kid with cancer and the tortured mother trying to save her.  And this is what hack writers like Jodi Picoult and Nicholas Sparks prey on.  They spin weak yarns designed to hone in on these soft spots and manipulate and exploit them so that we think we have actually encountered something true and beautiful.  But it's all just a sham.  There is no real depth, development, or resolution to these stories.  They are just cheap and easy parlour tricks.

Next Week: "Public Enemies"-at a glance UN-PLUG

I dunno.  I haven't heard one way or the other, but I'm just not convinced.  Not a huge Michael Mann fan.  Don't think he makes as good of films as he thinks he does.  I won't be seeing this one.  

In reviewing this noticing I'm especially snarky today.  

Harry, you can not come soon enough.

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