Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A few of you have been asking for my opinion after seeing Iron Man 2.

I mean, it was really, really funny. Way better jokes than Iron Man for sure. But a better movie? No.

The best part of Number 2 (besides Bob): Sam Rockwell as Justin Hammer.

He took that shit to the mother-fucking cleaners. Amazing acting. Every time he came on screen, my underboob got sweaty with anticipation. "What will he say next?" "Holy shit, he just made a Ulysses joke. Sucessfully."

Worst part: Scarlett.

Really, it's been a year tomorrow (and yes, there will be another post...apologies), and still when I speak, some of you choose not to listen. She's not a good actor.
I will repeat the statement. She's NOT a good actor. I don't care if you liked "Lost in Translation." Thank Sophia Coppola for writing a good movie. And realize Scarjo didn't do shit but say the lines.
And as Black Widow in Iron Man 2? Please. Are you fucking kidding me? She was terrible. lifeless. Beyond flat.

But here's the real point I want to make with this post. So,

(I rarely get serious on this site, but what I'm about to say in a rare example of me being sincere.)

You want to know what really pisses me off the most about ScarJo?

The public's perception of her body.

Let me clarify some things right now: I love fashion. I love clothes. And because of this, some of you will think I'm being hypocritical. But, believe it or not, I do live in the real world. And while I have and will continue to post pictures of women wearing pretty things on this site, please know that I "get it."

Allow me to explain. To a certain extent, it is totally fine to look at what women wear. FUN CLOTHING IS FOR EVERY SIZE and no one should feel ashamed to wear what they want. I firmly believe this. However, I also know that the fetishization of fashion is problematic. Because, you can't look at clothes without looking at the bodies underneath them. And most of those bodies are smaller than you even realize. But this is where a little pop education can help.

So here it one and only personal post.

I'm 5'2 with breasts and body dysmorphia. Therefore, I am hyper-sensitive to the representation of women's bodies in the media. Because it is honestly disgusting.

I will say this now. Scarlett Johansson is beautiful. Beyond gorgeous. But for all of you out there who think she's "A Real Woman" with "Real Woman Curves," it's time for you to GET A FUCKING CLUE.

Because, I've met Scarlett in person. And I've done the research. And guess what? She's skinny.

I will repeat that for you: She is SKINNY. Like, Skinny Bitch skinny. When I met her, she was THIN. I know, I was shocked. Because, like you, I had seen the "photos" of her looking all breasty. But, in case you were born yesterday, pictures lie.

Because, people DO look heavier on camera. But, there's photoshop to help things along. Photoshop can suck and shrink and then plump and pump where it needs to.

On the left is the Iron Man 2 Poster Image: On the right is a screen capture from the film.

Still don't believe me? You want the numbers game to prove it? Fine, I'll play if it'll get you all to wise up. I am 5'2 and currently weigh, on average, somewhere between 110-113 pounds. And I'm in shape. Like, probably the best cardio-strength shape I've been in since I was 18. And, as a result, I no longer have curves.

Scarjo is 5'3 (it's listed everywhere online) and weighs less than me. I will repeat. We are basically the same height and she weighs LESS THAN ME.
Look at the image above. That is her, in the film, WITH the extra 10 pounds the camera adds to a person. Can you imagine how thin and UN-curvy she is in person?!!!

So...wake up, people. Because those women you idolize...they are crazy when it comes to their bodies. They don't eat chips and salsa. They don't drink beer. Or eat cheese. They go to the gym twice a day for 2 hrs. They have colonics. And they are disgustingly thin.

So, Men.... next time you want to admire a woman for having a "real woman's" body, go have sex with your girlfriend.

And Women...know that I know. We all want to be thin. It's a struggle I face every day. But on those days when you haven't worked out in a month and you just ate a burger...look in the mirror and feel good about yourself. Go buy that dress you secretly love and want to wear. Because it's YOU who has the "real woman's" body, not ScarJo. Because she's just a fucking Hollywood Illusion.

I'll leave you with this. It's an un-photoshopped image of three models for one of those "women come in all sizes" issues. The woman ON THE LEFT is the "Super HoT, Super CuRvY" Victoria's Secret Model Alexandra Ambrossio. Yeah. That's the body of death. And those are A-Cup breasts.

And yet, this is the image of her you see in stores:

And, the coup-de-gras: Here's the "Final" cover picture for that magazine they were shooting. See how they've cleverly photoshopped out any major differences between the woman into One Homogonized Size 4.

Now, all the bodies are secretly the same but are being sold to you as "Different!"

And we wonder why we are a generation of disordered eaters.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Will you be lining up?

Because I will be lining up. In fact, if you're reading this and it's Thursday evening, then you know where to find me. Because I'm at the movie theater. Waiting in line for the Midnight showing of Iron Man 2.

I love midnight showings. Always have, always will. Because yes, you're tired, and yes, you have work the next morning, and sure you can see it later...but it won't feel the same. For all you Avatar advocates who got onto me about how movies are made to be "experienced," then you should be seeing all of your movies at 12AM. The crowds, the group anticipation, those people that show up in costume (!), the audience reactions and comments during the film...LOVE IT ALL!!!

And movies like Iron Man 2 are made to be seen at The Witching Hour.

Right now, the reviews are pretty's a fun, fast, loud movie that you will love to watch. I don't really care if it's "as good as the first one." I don't care if "The Dark Knight was the best SEQUEL EVER." This isn't that. This is 2 and a half hours of Bob being charismatic and doing fun things with his pretty friends. To which I say...Sign. Me. Up.

(Spoiler Alert: This is a clip...not a're welcome, David).

Speaking of pretty people....

The Met Costume Institute Gala was this week. And it was sooooo blah it made my eyes hurt. Seriously, I spent so long flicking through agency photos trying to find something that "changed my eye" in a good way. Nothing. Completely blank.

Because, at the Gala, it's not about "the prettiest column dress with the chiffon overlay in the most beautiful jewel tone"...BARF! NO. It's about what you DON'T see on every OTHER red carpet. It's about taking a mother fucking fashion risk!!!

So yeah...there were lots of absolutely gorgeous dresses. Any one of them would have kicked the shit out of 90% of the Oscar dresses from this past year. But there was also, like, no originality.

What's listed below is what I guess has to be called my favorites of the evening. Scratch that. I don't favor any of them. They are just the least of all evils. Yeah, that's what we'll call it.

Leanne's reluctant picks:

This pattern is great. But again, the whole "dress as Jackson Pollack art" thing has been done. (I do love Coco Rocha's facial expression though. She's such a loud and out bitch!)

Another loud and out with the facial expression to match. Love MIA's dress and fuck off face ensemble. (And can your new album come out sooner, please?)

And now...for the Cinderella Dress of Irony.

Love Zac Posen. Love that he chose the Gala to be a snarky bitch. Because this dress is hysterical. And he means it to be that way. Because, if you've been paying attention, more and more actresses have gotten into the bad habit of wearing these horrific Cinderella ball gowns to all the Hollywood events. Except they've been wearing them in earnest. So, Zac Posen decides to give the ladies what they want. And then laugh at their ignorance. LOVE LOVE LOVE. (Especially the woman in the foreground of this picture who is eyeing this dress with envy thinking, "Damn, I need one of those").

In terms of trends...(because every carpet has trends, even the Gala)...the colors were white and dark blue. White and dark blue EVERYWHERE.

Sienna had the best Dark Blue.

But, I'm also going to say that, although not really "fashion forward" in any way shape or form, Oprah Winfrey looked Wonderful. Like, I kind of gasped when I saw her. She just looks soooo pretty.

Finally...the Best White/Best Execution Award goes to my girlfriend.

And this will take some explaining because I know how some of you are. But listen to me. This is a HARD dress to wear. Like, about TWO people on the planet can pull this thing off. Because a dress this form fitting requires a great body. One that is perfectly fed and exercised. I mean it. Skinny Bitches can't wear this dress. You put it on an Olsen twin and it becomes a death shroud.

But on Diane, it fits every curve and yet doesn't look heavy, or like her skin is suffocating (because there is not a square inch of skin visible). Can you imagine how hot she must be? And yet she looks crisp, and clean and fresh. And her boobs don't look too saggy, but there also not riding up her chin. And she's rocking a center part in her hair, which again, not everyone can do (I most certainly Can NOT). So, yeah, on the surface the dress is pretty simple. But underneath, that is some serious sartorial execution. Well done, babe.

Other than was kind of sad and uninspired. And there were some that were down right ugly. Click here for full re-cap.

I know it was a long one today, but I probably won't post again for a while. So, as a little parting gift, I'm leaving you with this.

This is for those of you who (somehow!) don't understand why Bob is #1...

please watch. It really is worth your time.

And if you won't then at least watch the first one: it's a clip from the show where he talks about meeting Susan. Susan is his wife. And he LOVES her. I mean looooovvvveesss her. Practically worships her.

And it's not a game, or for show. He really doesn't notice her ugly shirt or care that (although very pretty) she's not a super-model.
So fucking adorable. The American Bad-Ass meets and falls in love with the Un-interested High Powered Business Exec. (And for her side of the story, click over here. Precious.)

(You really should watch the whole thing).

I can't embed Part 2, but here's
the link. It's where he talks about Chaplain for which he was Oscar nominated (It's especially interesting if you're interested in Acting. He talks about how he preps for stuff).