Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I'm disgusted with myself for staying away from this blog for so long.  But if you're waiting for some pat statement about how my New Year's Resolution list will include some flimsy promise to blog more...keep waiting.  I mean, I fully intend to blog more in the coming weeks, but I will not "New Year's Promise" anything.

New Year's Resolutions are stupid.  And I mean that in the most demeaning way possible.  I mean, there is just so much wrong with the philosophy under-pinning NY Resolve that if you can't spot some of it yourself, I can't help you.

But what I can help you do is filter through meaningless Hollywood materialism. So here's making up for lost time.

Holiday/Award Movie season is hard upon us.  If you're like me and pretty much live for awards season films, you may have found yourself overwhelmed by your cinematic options.  So I will give you my reviews of what I've seen so that you don't have to.

First:  "Up in the Air"

David loved it.  I didn't.  My parents really didn't.  

The movie is a hyper-realist/"everyman" story.  And that's not a bad thing.  Everyman stories can be some of the best.  But, for me, something about "Up in the Air" just didn't click.

For starters, it's about 25 minutes too long.  There are some scenes where you are left wondering...'what the hell is the point of this'?  And in a film where VERY little intentionally happens, these 'extra characterization scenes' are just uber boring.

And the acting.  Sigh.  This may be my biggest gripe.  Because that's all your hearing.  "Oh the acting acting blah blah so good THE performance of George Clooney's career."  If I was George, I would take this as an insult.  Because while the acting's not bad, it's not exceptional.  He was MUCH better in Syriana and Michael Clayton.  He won accolades for those and that's the way it should stay. I don't think he should win for this.  Sure, in the movie he plays "average" and "averagely depressed" well, but...I what?  Is that, like, supposed to be hard to represent? 

So in summary...I have to agree with one critic I read.  Is "Up in the Air" a bad film? No.  Is it the best film of the year?  Hell no.

Moving on:

Despite my little bitch fit earlier, my unfailing and eternal love, devotion, and admiration for my BFF Bob won out and I went to see "Sherlock Holmes."

And in a reversal of opinion...I loved it and David didn't.

But I get it.  The movie has problems.  I repeat.  Sherlock Holmes has problems.  And I'm completely ignoring the issue of inaccurate representation.  (Remember, you are not watching a faithful adaptation of Holmes. But that's okay. It's not the issue).  The issue is the editing.

Piss poor editing.  A good 30 minutes needed to be cut out.  Sure, the scenes are funny and cute but they HAVE NO PURPOSE and just cause the movie's pace to slow down and drag drag drag.  
For people like me, though, this can be overlooked.  I mean, I could watch RDJ read the phone book.  And the chemistry with Jude Law is amazing.  And it's set in England.  And there are costumes.  (Squeee!!)

But this isn't enough for the average movie goer.  In the theater, you could feel people getting lost.  They would shuffle their feet, whisper, text, anything to cure the momentary boredom before the film got back on track and the plot became relevant again.

So, if you're not into costume dramas and films with the snail-paced Masterpiece theater feel, you may want to skip it.  But I do want to warn you...Robert Downey Jr. can cover a multitude of sins.  If nothing else consider seeing it for him.

Proof of his amazingness below.  It's the new Iron Man trailer.  Can. Not. Wait.

As a final, sad parting note... there was one other thing about Sherlock that gave me pause.  Kelly Reilly.  Do you know Kelly Reilly?  She played Mr. Bingly's snooty sister Caroline Bingley in the new Kiera Knightly version of "Pride and Prejudice."  But before that she played the lead burlesque performer in "Mrs. Henderson Presents."   She was great in the former role and knock down, drag out, fucking brilliant in the latter. 

SUCH  a good but under-used actress.  And SO SO SO beautiful.  Crazy interesting face and killer body.  Curves in all the right places, trim but still having thickness in her upper arms.  Eats potato chips occasionally.  Perfect.

(Kelly's the one on the far left.)

Problem? She has destroyed herself.  DESTROYED her body.  In the film, she plays Watson's fiance.  And it took me 20 minutes to recognize her.  She looks sick. Ill. Wasted. Starved. 
Listen, I have body image issues too.  I'm curvy as all get out and I have to work to keep the curves from bubbling over.  But, I can NOT imagine what she had to do to her body to make it look the way it does now. I can't find a pic from the film that I can cut, so click the following link.  Then scroll through to the tenth picture. Yep. Hard to believe, but it's her.


if you're listening...please stop.  You were so beautiful.  Don't let them tell you to be something you aren't.  I love you,


Friday, December 11, 2009

All of you better post and re-post at the bottom of this entry,

because we really could talk about it all day.

"The Princess and the Frog" (out now) is getting great reviews, selling tickets fast, and being hailed as a long overdue triumph.  

But I'm a skeptical bitch.  

There are timing issues here.  There are racial issues (and not in a good way).  There are cracks in this Faberge Disney egg.  If you don't know what I'm talking around for a few minutes.  If you do...discuss.  After all, I know a lot of you are grad students and there's nothing grad students like to do more than philosophize shit like this.  So get to it.

Your convo's. can even lead you directly to the next movie coming out today.  


I'm especially keen to hear Sleight's take on this one.  In case you haven't noticed, I am purposefully deciding to keep my initial opinions/feelings on both these movies to myself for the time being...after all, I haven't seen them.  But I have been able to glean quite a bit from the trailers.  Quite a bit indeed.  Maybe I'll comment on your comments.  Especially if you see what I see.

But what I will say, for the record, is that Matt Damon looks ridiculous.  How out of control is his body?!  And you know what else?  I don't like it.  
Matt is at the top of my "list."  Love. him. so. much.   But I hate the bulk.  He's too smart for it. Instead of looking like the lean, secretly nerdy, but well groomed Harvard Fratty, his body makes him look like some sort of Jersey Shore Meaty.  Not good.  He needs to 86 the chicken and the weight lifting asap.

How's that for a shallow turn?

Lastly:  Here's the DL on an AMAZING tv show that you aren't watching (but should be).

"Bored to Death" is incredible.  Created and written by Johnathan Ames, it's a modern day Don Quixote story set in NYC.  Johnathan (Jason Swchartzmann) is a failing writer who, after reading one too many Raymond Chandler novels, starts moonlighting as a private detective.  His sidekicks are his cartoonist friend Ray (Zach Galifianakis!!!!) and his developmentally arrested boss, George (Ted Danson...who is...quite frankly THE BEST part of the show. Incomparable.)  

Seriously, for those of you looking for something to balm the "AD" pangs, "Bored to Death" will help.  It's incredible.   Unlike "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and even to a lesser extent "The Office," Bored to Death never manipulates you.  It doesn't insist on making you laugh.  The writers aren't phoning it in, and the show never winks at the audience.  It's never false or contrived.  But it's always, always a joy.

Please please please keep this one on the air.

Click through the links (some of which may be dead but keep looking)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Tiger fucked up.

Sure, the cheating part is the worst, but it's not the only way in which he's screwed the proverbial pooch.

See, infidelity isn't anything shocking. Nothing new. People do it every day. Rich, poor, middling, powerful...they all do it.  Growing up in the social circle I did, I grew numb pretty quickly to the "unfaithful husband" story line.  Plus, if you were to scratch off everyone on your "hero" list (male or female) who had committed adultery, you wouldn't have anymore heroes.  Think about it.  How many kings, queens, artists, writers, philosophers, thinkers, etc. have whipped it out for people other than their spouses? Exactly.

Does this mean it's not serious? No. Does this mean I condone cheating? Absolutely not.  In fact, if I was Elin Woods, I would be packing up baby Sam and the other one in their car seats right now, heading for divorce court. Especially considering the level of sexual treachery that Tiger has apparently committed.  This wasn't a one night stand, or a case of a man who got caught up in something singular.  Hell, no.   Tiger is a dirty, dirty whore who likes to do dirty things with other dirty whores.  Check here and here for the dirt.  See?  He pre-meditatively and repeatedly orchestrated this shit.  Yes, Lorraine Babbit, I hear your righteous call for judgement.

But to get back to my main point... this really isn't the worst of it.  The real reason Tiger Woods will forever, in my book, be considered an irredeemable dumb-ass is because he handled the situation like a complete and total idiot.

Let's break this down:  Tiger's a powerful man. Like, really powerful. Rich, famous, endorsement deals, accolades, respect.  And of course, with lots of power comes a sense of invincibility and entitlement. The "rules" don't apply.  We see this all the time.  It's why powerful people do shady shit...b/c they know think they can.

But from time to time, these people get caught: Letterman, Spitzer, etc.  And what do they do? They realize their hand's been caught in the cookie jar and thus are confronted with the consequences of their actions. They blush. They get humiliated. And they apologize.  

But not Tiger.  He evaded, avoided, and pointed the finger elsewhere.  He was unwilling to talk to police about the accident. He was unwilling to affirm or deny the tabloid rumors of his affairs. In short, he was unwilling to address legitimate authorities, or the public which has helped make him famous.  And finally, after a week of living in the pressure cooker, he releases some dumb-ass statement about how we should butt out of his business. Please.  


You agreed to stick your name and face all over our Gatorade, our shower gel, our razors, even our fucking cars.  We are not your problem. You are your problem.

Do I want a full disclosure of your private life? Fuck no. I don't really care.  And, to a certain extent, I agree that celebrities should not have to reveal the inner workings of their private lives.  

BUT! Put your hubris in the back seat for a minute. After all, that's what got you into this mess in the first place.  When the spotlight that has treated you so well shines on the parts of your life you'd rather keep covered, TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.  Admit you fucked up immediately, and then move on. Take a lesson from Letterman.  He wrote the book and it's a good one. Buy it.  But, I know you won't, because your pride won't let you admit that it's completely your fault.

In your personal statement (Readers: I'm linking it again, because you MUST read it) you have the audacity to judge us (!!!), saying things like "there are important and deep principles at stake" when the public looks at your private life.  Where the FUCK was your attention to other "deep and important principles" when you were sticking your 3 wood into anything that moved? Also, I know you feel that you need to "stick to the [privacy] principle" right now, but what about sticking to the fidelity principle for the last couple of years?

Your back-handed apology proves that you think we are also to blame. And this amount of hubris is intolerable. For this reason that I say: Shame. on. you.