Tuesday, May 10, 2011

It's been two years...

Since I, in a time of emotional and creative crisis (also known as writing an MA Thesis), decided to funnel all my spite, vitriol, shallowness, materialism, and general evilness into a blog.

And I loved it.

But, of course, season come and go, and something about the sun setting, and oh the places you'll go, etc., etc., which are just fancy ways of me saying that it is time to bring the blog to a close.

So. Without further sentimentality...Here it is. The very last FFS entry. 

I thought long and hard about what I should do as a wrap up, and, in the end, all I could come up with was a list, one part retrospective, one part commencement-like send off...it's the things I/we/you have learned from two years of snarking.

Things FFS Has Taught Us

~Clothes are fun...to dream about having.

~You will never be skinny like a celebrity, and so will enjoy being alive.

~You never want me in your Oscar Ballot pool. I will destroy you.  DESTROY YOU.

 ~There are *no good screenwriters left in Hollywood.  (*very very few).

~Diane Kruger dresses better than you.

~Cate Blanchette dresses better than Diane Kruger.

~Ricky Gervais is better than everyone.

~"Re-make" is code for "Americans are lazy ass h-les."

~It would be embarrassing to be friends with Lea Michele.

~You are not too good for UK Skins.

~Orange on a red carpet causes neural pathways to short circuit.

~MTV is totally irrelevant.

~A Twilight fan scorned is to be even more greatly feared than a Scientologist. 

~Sometimes, years of heroine abuse can actually you more attractive (Robert Downey Jr.).

~What the f-ck is a Justin Bieber and why is he always sick?

~'Cannes' is pronounced like you think it isn't.

~Hoes gon' be hoes, so I couldn't blame Tammy.

~Film, Fashion, and Snark are my fun, and Books, The Boy, and Writing are my happiness.

~And finally. Eva Longoria does not have bad taste. She's part mermaid.

Seriously, I love you all very much.  Thank-you so much for reading and caring!  It's been a blast!



Monday, March 14, 2011


This is soooo delayed. I apologize.  I pre-wrote this thing and then completely forgot to post it.

So here you go...old news and stale opinions.

Fresh blogging begins again Friday.

(Shakes head in shame).

Final Oscar Ballot Results

Points Possible: 34
Points Earned: 16 (with deductions)

Predictions correct (16): Animated Full; Adapted Screenplay; Original Screenplay; Best Supporting Actor; Best Original Score; Sound Mixing; Sound Editing; Costume; Documentary Feature; Visual Effects; Film Editing; Original Song; Best Director (Bitches!); Best Actress; Best Actor; Best Film

Predictions incorrect (8): Art Direction (although I put Alice in Wonderland on my NY Times contest ballot...why didn't I do it here I wonder?; Cinematography (whoa! I really thought I had that one right); Supporting Actress (knew this was risky); Animated Short; Foreign Language Film (I mean...); Makeup (yeah, yeah I should've); Documentary Short; Live Action Short

Oscar Fashion: My Highlights

Jennifer Lawrence

Jesus.  Apart from the OBVIOUS and SIGNIFICANT weight loss, she looks Amazing. Ridiculously incredible.  But...also...sorry to say....a little too much like Scarlett Johansson's red dress (and therefore unoriginal). (STOP yelling at me...I said Jennifer's GORGEOUS!!!)

(Scarlett's Golden Globes...)

Mila Kunis

Well. As gorgeous as Jennifer Lawrence looked, Mila Kunis saunters in and kicks her ass.  Holy shit.  She is sooooo hot.  I totally would.
But that's because SHE is beautiful.  But the dress...the dress like a saloon girls's day-dream. And both David and I were totally baffled trying to find her nipples (where are her nipples?! are they tucked down? covered up with lavender tape? they should be right there...so where are her nipples?!)

Annette Benning

I mean, she can do no wrong. Look at that dress. Look at how her face is real and wrinkled and matches her neck.  And look how she is also still totally gorgeous.  You got lucky Natalie Portman.  Because if Annette was low class and a bitch and had campaigned for this award, it would have been hers.  Hands. Down.

Cate Blanchett

Eeeeeeeekkkkk!!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE! I am in love with this dress! Words. fail. me... Pretty.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Alright. Fine.
I can't put this off anymore.  It's Wednesday aka. T-minus 4 days 'til the Oscars.
Again, these are my predictions with Lock/Lean point values assigned (2pts. for Lock/1pt. for Lean).  And, yes, I am voting a winner in every category (unlike Slate magazine and their weak ass "you don't have to pick a category if you don't want to" rule).  And yeah, I may crash and burn (there are some risky picks here)... but go hard or don't go at all.
Best Actor:  Colin Firth (2 pts.)

Best Actress:  Natalie Portman (1pt.) *Benning could surprise everyone. Also, she sits on the nominations board which means she's got a lot of friends in high places.
Supporting Actor:  Christian Bale (2 pts.)

Supporting Actress:  Helena Bonham-Carter (1 pt.) *This is so risky; I can not believe I'm putting her instead of Melissa Leo.
Original Screenplay:  The King's Speech (2 pts.)
Adapted Screenplay:  The Social Network  (2pts.)
Documentary:  Inside Job (1 pt.)
Documentary (Short):  Killing in the Name (1 pt.)
Animated Film:  Toy Story 3 (2 pts.)

Animated (Short): Day and Night (1 pt.)
Live Action (Short):  Na Wewe (1 pt.)
Foreign Language Film: Biutiful (1 pt.)
Cinematography:  True Grit (2 pts.)

Costume Design:  Alice in Wonderland (1 pt.)
Art Direction:  Inception (1 pt.)
Makeup:  Barney's Version (1 pt.)
Original Score: The Social Network (2 pts.)
Original Song:  Toy Story 3 (1 pt.)
Sound Mixing:  Inception (1 pt.) * True Grit may actually win this one. My gut tells me Inception won't take both of the Sound awards, but it's the "smart" bet.
Sound Editing:  Inception (1 pt.)
Visual Effects:  Inception (2 pts.)

Film Editing:  The Social Network (2 pts.)
Director:  Tom Hooper (1 pt.)  *This was literally the hardest one to choose. So, if Fincher wins, you are not allowed to crawl up my ass.
Best Picture:  The King's Speech (2 pts.)
Total Number of "Locks": 10
Total Number of "Leans": 14
Total Points Possible: 34
Total Points: TBD (Remember, points are DEDUCTED if the category is "lost").
Good luck on your brackets! (Red Carpet rundown will happen next week).

As a parting gift, I'm ending today with a movie that will certainly NOT be up for any awards next year.  But, I have a feeling that "Bad Teacher" may be one of my favorites of 2011.  Because it's relatable to those of us women who are sarcastic, vulgar, and un-idealistic.  I mean, I swear, there are days when I think that if my students were any dumber, I'd have to water them.

Sunday, February 20, 2011


They are in a week!

Are you ready?

Full disclosure: I don't know if I am.  Because this year was TOUGH.  There were a lot of good movies.  And the performances were even better.

Right now, the heavy competition seems to be between The King's Speech and The Social Network (ehh hemm...both of which I lauded and praised on this very blog long before nominations or post Thanksgiving buzz..gloat, gloat, gloat).

Don't worry.  My pride may be totally destroyed next Sunday.  Because this is one of the first years in recent memory where I am petrified to make my picks.  Here's the situation.  At first, everyone was all about The Social Network.  And then The King's Speech took over.  As of about two weeks ago, I would have bet everything that The King's Speech would take everything.  But then, Egypt happened.

No, seriously.  It is silly and stupid that something so serious could effect something so trivial, but Hollywood experts are saying it very well may have.  The presence of Facebook, Twitter, and other forms of social media/networking were a central component throughout the protests.  I mean, the government issued an internet blackout for a reason.  And then, when the ban was lifted, the internet blew up with Egyptian youth and protesters communicating their experiences with each other and the world.

So, all of a sudden, this movie about how a couple of Harvard computer geeks changed everything seems a little less grandiose and a little more realistic and significant.  Maybe more so than a movie about a dead English monarch learning to overcome a speech impediment.  (Of course, you could make the argument that he gave hope to a nation during the worst war the world has even seen.  But that was the past. Egypt is the present. And people have short memories).

Here's the other rub with the whole King's Speech vs. Social Network debacle.  More often than not, whatever film wins Best Picture also wins Best Director and Best Film Editing.  Problem is...a ton of people are saying King's Speech will win Best Picture.  But The Social Network will win Film Editing.  And the decision over director is almost split down the middle. This is because Tom Hooper (King's Speech) won the Directors Guild (the winner of which wins the Oscar 9 out of 10 times).  But then David Fincher (Social Network) still has a teeny tiny edge in the critics polls and...he's due for a win having been snubbed for Se7en, Fight Club, etc.

See?   It's all muddled.  And the voters don't like it to be muddled.  They like for there to be a clear "BEST."  They like for one film to sweep everything.  The "big" awards rarely get split between big films. Literally, the thinking is...we've got to make sure that we vote a stand out.  

And Colin Firth WILL win Best Actor for King's Speech.  Bet it.  But, Aaron Sorkin WILL win for Best Adapted Screenplay for The Social Network. (you can bet that one too).

Ugh!! This year is soooo tricky.

Thankfully, I have come across a much better, more interesting, and more fun way of doing Oscar balloting.  If you have an office pool to set up or are hosting a party, you may want to consider doing this.

Step One: Print out Oscar ballots for your guests/office mates.

Now here's where things change.  Instead of just circling the winner in sharpie, writing your name at the top, and then "counting" to see who got the most categories right, do a "lean" vs. "lock" points system.

Here's how "lean" vs. "lock" works.

For every category, you have two options.  After you circle who you think will win, you designate it a "Lean" which means "Eh, I think they'll win" aka. "I'm leaning towards them" or a "Lock" meaning "I feel confident that they will win" aka. "They are a lock."

For every "Lean" that you get right, you get 1 point.  For every "Lock" that you get right, you get 2 points.
However, for every "Lean" that you get wrong, you lose 1 point. For every "Lock" that you get wrong, you lose 2 points.

The person with the highest points total wins.

Now, here's where the debate comes in. I have seen Lean/Locks that require voters to choose a winner in every category.  I have seen Lean/Locks that allow you to not make a prediction for every category.  For me, the latter way feels like cheating or at the very least is a pussy move.  So, I won't be playing that way.  But, I'll leave it up to you to decide. Cowards.

Oscars are Sunday, Feb 27 at 8:00.  But, the Red Carpet goes live at 7:00.  Which... I mean...how could you NOT watch the carpet?  Scoff and please.

And, finally, my Oscar prediction picks will be up on the blog by Wednesday (with Lock/Leans assigned).  Want to play me?  The prize can be bragging rights.  Or beer.


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Oscars are coming, and we'll get to them soon enough.

But, first things first, because my Geek needs to address the new X Men: First Class trailer that dropped last week.

Like most people, I like action movies, especially in the summer.  Iron Man, The Nolan Batman reboots, and the recent Star Trek were all excellent translations of stories that are, let’s face it, held sacred by nerds.
And, if you don’t pay any attention at all, the insanely large crowds at Comic Con each year should be proof enough that Comic Books are a mainstay.
Here’s the thing you may not know, however.
Everyone has “One.”  Each little nerd, geek, techie in the country has “the one” comic/hero/story/mythos that he/she reveres above all others.  They have read every comic incarnation, seen the cartoon tv adaptations or manga movies, and they will line up around the block for the Hollywood Movie version of their favorite creation.

Batman is most people’s favorite.  I’ve always theorized it’s because Bruce is the “self” made super hero with endless capital and status in both his cloaked and un-cloaked personas.  In other words, he is the American Ideal: self made, wealthy, completely average (he doesn’t actually have any super powers), and un-flexibly narcissistic (the “bat signal” anyone? not to mention the sense of self righteousness that must preceed vigilante justice?).  
Spiderman cuts a close second. He’s the “unlikely” hero. The skinny, science nerd, pacifist who is forced into a life he didn’t choose, emotionally unequipped to handle anything (and therefore both “fantastical” but also “relatable”).
But, for me, it has never been Bruce or Peter.  Or Tony Stark or Clark Kent or any of the other stand alone “heroes.”

For me, it has been, and always will be X-Men.  I started by watching the cartoon. Then, I spent my allowance and bought the "initial" run of X-Men comics (yes, David, this was also around the same time I bought the Donkey Kong Cheat Book.)  And, I have seen all the terrible movie adaptations.  Even so, my love for X-Men remains intact.
The reasons are numerous.  I like that they are a tribe.  I love Professor X, Jean Grey, Hank (aka. Beast), and Rogue (and apologies to Anna Paquin, but you RUINED her).  Perhaps most of all, I like how the politics of Charles vs. Erik constantly determine the X-Men universe.
Which is why I hate what Hollywood has done to them.  There has NEVER been a good X Men movie.  Ever.
Hopefully, this June, that will all change.
Because Matthew Vaugh, who made Kick Ass (WHICH WAS AMAZING RENT IT IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT!) is making X Men: First Class.

As expected, X-Men: First Class is the story of how the X-Men became THE X-Men.  But, what gives me hope, besides the director who is awesome, is the cast!

Have you seen the cast?!!!

Nicholas Hoult (from Skins and About a Boy) is Hank
Our girl Jennifer Lawrence is Mystique
January Jones is Emma Frost
Rose Byrne (Damages) is Moira MacTaggart
And....lastly...most greatly...James McAvoy is Charles (Shelby! Bitch! You need to rent Atonement now so that your James McAvoy hard-on can be at its biggest for this movie!)

For those of you not in the know...that's A LOT of Emmy and Oscar nominees.

Please, please please please let this be good.  Let this be great.

The trailer is below. Don't worry, it's only a teaser.  A full length one will come later.  And knowing Matthew Vaughn and his penchant for enormous on-line, video campaigns, there will be many more teasers as well.

Coming Soon....My Oscar predictions.  And!  A new system for Oscar balloting that is waaaayyyy better and will make your office/Oscar party betting pool much more fair.

Monday, January 17, 2011


Hysterical.  It's our favorite game.  Here is Eva Longoria at Sunday's Golden Globes in, yep...you guessed it...another fish tail dress.

This Golden Globes was full of truly horrendous fashion.  And Eva and her weird/vampire/fish tail hyrbid is just the beginning...so let's go!

Lea Michele

In the words of Bridget Jones: "Oh. Holy. Jesus."  I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard.  I don't even have room to be embarrassed for her. Only room for laughter and joy.

Julianne Moore

And then Julianne comes along and picks up the scraps from Lea Michele's dress and hand sows them together.

Olivia Wilde

That face says it all. She knows she made a horrible mistake. She let the stylist and herself get more and more giggly and squeal-y as the dresses got bigger and bigger, and so she totally lost sight of what Coco Chanel taught us: Edit, ladies. Edit.

Julia Stiles

She should have stuck with Julia Stiles Styles Shants because I am in awe that black can look this heavy (and mind you, she is a skinny, skinny girl).

Emma Stone

You know its bad when your face is more orange than the dress.

Jennifer Lopez

Apparently, American Idol doesn't pay as much as we thought it did.

Megan Fox

Maybe it's because she's wearing it, but this dress looks as cut up as her face.

Michelle Williams

Michelle, if you pull this kind of a stunt again, I can't vote for you to win that Oscar.  I know that you are one of the truly nice ones in Hollywood though, so this time I'll cringe and overlook it.  But, next time...phone a friend.

Halle Berry

I guess if you're a single mom with infinite wealth and resources at your disposal, you are still so busy you're bound to leave the house with half your dress missing.

Jennifer Love Hewitt

I thought she was invited by mistake and now that I'm seeing this dress, I'm sure of it.

Christina Hendricks

Your body is so hot and amazing.  But, listen.  Us girls with tits...they are our natural chest accessories.  You don't need additional ornaments.

All in all, fashion at the 2011 Globes was bad or weak. Because besides these, there are many, many that I'm not posting simply because they were BORING.  We've seen it again and again and again and again. Pale Pink. Column dress. A few sparkles. Ugh. (And I'm also looking at you Miss Kunis).

In fact, there were only a couple I really loved:

Leighton Meester

Yep. Those are long, blouse-y sleeves.  And she is totally rocking it. Do you know how hard that shit is to pull off?  Well, she did it.  And knows it too. Look at that smug face. 

Hailee Steinfeld

She is 14 and new to Hollywood.  And yet, she doesn't look like she's prematurely 35 or straight out of a "Toddlers and Tiaras" competition.  Hailee, please thank your mother for me. 

Kyra Sedgewick

This dress is so well cut and so well made.  But more than that, it is her. This dress suits the woman wearing it.

Angelina Jolie

I love green.  I love her in green.  Go ahead, say it.  She looks like the main character in "Wicked." Whatever, You're just jealous.

Lastly, I have one "undecided:"

January Jones

I don't know if it's "Fifth Element Ugly" or truly unique and eye changing.  Maybe it's just that it fits so well on her.  But that red is so obnoxious. Maybe I would love it more if it was Navy.  Yes, that's it.  It needs to be Navy.