At the Grammy's,

the rules of fashion don't apply. They just don't.

That's why, tonight, I won't be blogging according to normal, personal standards of dress. The following taste preferences/comments/sartorial rules-opinions apply for One Night Only. But don't worry, I'll justify my opinions. After that, we can fight.

Lea Michele

O. My. Heaven. Help. This. Child.

Horrible. Beyond terrible. "But Leanne! Why?! It's cute!" you cry.

Because, in and of itself, this dress wouldn't be that bad. A little ice-skatery, but all in all, okay.

Except for the fact that she LITERALLY chopped off the bottom of her Golden Globes dress and wore it to the Grammys. What-the-FUCK? You have GOT to be kidding me. Grammy's or not, this kind of shit is fashionally unforgivable.

At the Globes 14 days ago.

PS. Hate (hate!) that I didn't think of this before, but I must give credit where credit is due. Although my hatred for Eva Longoria's piss poor style Pre-dates my exposure to Lainey of Lainey Gossip...she had a great point the other night...Lea Michele is the new Eva Longoria.

(And, let me just say, I LOVE Glee. And Rachel aka. Lea is my FAVORITE character. Fashion has nothing to do with like-ability. So calm down.)

Gaga GAga GAGA!!

Love her so much. Love her SO much. Anyone that incorporates a Faulkner "Rose For Emily" reference at the end of a music video (but then jazzes it up by having her breasts shoot fire at the corpse) deserves my undying love and devotion.

And. Did you see her performance with Elton. Fab. Performance art at its finest. And let's set the record straight right now. Could you/would you ever see Brittany or any other pop twit DEULING PIANOS WITH ELTON JOHN?!! Glad we got that straight.

Bumfuck Cyrus

Show of hands. How many people still think she's saving herself for marriage?

All right, all right. I know. Easy target. I'll move it along.

Taylor Swift

I don't love it. And I very much like her. But she's slipping. This dress proves that she's slipping.

(Deep, heavy, nihilistic sigh). I may have to break up with Taylor soon.

We've been dating for a while, which, if you know me is quite a stretch given my loathing for country music. But she won me. Her intellect, kindness, and cuteness won me.

And then John Mayer inserted his douchbagery/high-school inferiority issues where they are least deserved.

If she and he continue whatever it is they're doing, I will have to end it. Because John Mayer is a deal breaker. Taylor is guilty by association.

In the meantime, I just hope she doesn't get pee'd on. (FYI to new readers: There are NUMEROUS blind rumors all over the place from several CREDIBLE sources that John gets off by golden showering his lady friends. Yeah. Now just try pulling up your i-tunes and listening to "Your Body Is A Wonderland." I dare you.)

Beyonce.

Meh. Not bad. Not great.

But, can I just say (and all of you will fight me on this I'm sure) that B pissed me off when she covered/mashed up Alanis last night. Sorry B, you may be a pop superstar, but you will never have the capacity to touch my soul like Alanis. Back the fuck off.

Katy Perry

Besides Gaga, this may be my favorite of the night (minus the maang tikka). I know that a lot of you don't dig the nude color, and normally I don't either, but it's what makes this dress fun. It's like she's performing at a burlesque show. And I like the trashy side boob. And Russell Brand. Whatever. Bitch me out. I can take it.

Rihanna.

How can material so light be made to look so heavy? Oppressive even. I liked her pre-show dress better.

@ the Grammy pre-party. Love.

Brittany.

Oh no. Something is afoot. This outfit spells relapse. (You were thinking it too.)

Imogen Heap

It's budget Gaga. Like...you just don't have it. So don't try.

And last but not least...because those of you who know me knew it was coming.

The best of the night.

My bff Bob.

Such a seXY XY combination. He really is a beast of a Man. Sigh.

He was a presenter, but was presented before presenting as "the most self important actor of his generation." You want to know the funniest part? He most likely wrote that shit himself.

He almost made up for the worst moment of the night. You know. The one where we were supposed to have saved our Avatar 3D glasses so we could watch Celine jump out at us with her earnestness? Even scarier than that display of asinine-ary is the fact that someone thought it was a good idea.

Till next time,

Love.

Bl-aaaahhh--og.

Sorry this has taken so long. With the Golden Globes and the SAG's bookending my time with the Swine Flu, I haven't felt very motivated to bitch about clothes.

But now I'm better and the Grammy's are this weekend. So, in order to conserve my snark powers, todays fashion post won't cover all the bases, but it'll hit the high notes. Let's get to it.

2010 Golden Globes Red Carpet Trend: Pale Pink/Flesh Tones

I told you, bitches!!! I told you this would happen. Damn someone should hire me.

Everyone showed up in pale pink/flesh colored one shouldered dresses just like I predicted. And I mean everyone. Even the smart ones got sucked in.

Like Emily Blunt. Emily, Where was your stylist? Who let this happen to you?! No matter what kind of body you have, no matter how well crafted the dress...it's still Miss Piggy. Sorry, I can't get past it.

Drew Berrymore- Oh look. It's pale pink. And one shouldered. And the shoulder is Crazy Edgy! Is it a sea urchin? Is it a squirrel who rolled his little tail in glitter paint? Is it a benign cyst? It's sooooo po-mo!!

Oh Maggie. Ohhh no Maggie. This is not you. You are not Gwenyth Paltrow. You are so much more interesting and exciting than this bland fishtail (ugh!), strawberry-banana smoothie dress.

And yes readers, yes. I am aware that even my girlfriend was a "victim." Diane wore pink.

Here's the thing. This woman is smart. Much smarter than me or anyone else when it comes to clothes. Her finger is on the pulse of fashion at all times, so you have to guess that she knew. She knew it would be pale pink/extravagant shoulder dress day. And if there's one other thing I love about Diane, it's that she's hilarious. Watch interviews with her. She's really, really funny. Great sense of humor. Proof: At the Golden Globes, she and Bob (that's Robert Downey Jr. for those of you who aren't friends with him) were at a table together. While the rest of the room got all pissy at Ricky Gervais who was mocking them left and right, Diane and Bob were laughing. Hysterically. Everytime the camera cut to them, they were in stitches. Verdict: She's not up her own ass.

How does this relate to the dress, you ask. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's kind of ironic. Like, she knew that it would be "pretty pretty princess pink" all over the place, so she said "All right...you bitches want pretty princess pink? Done." Because she doesn't have fashion lapses. She wasn't up to win anything at the Golden Globes. She was just there to party and support Tarantino. But just a week later at the SAG's (when she was nominated for an award which she won), look what she wore.

Amazing. AMAZING. Diane knows. Trust.

The other red carpet trend (besides basic black) was the "jewel tone/satin sheen" dress. Lots of ladies wore it. Here's Marion Cotillard and Penelope doing the Jewel Tone and the Black. Meh. That's my feeling on both.

The really disastrous Jewel Tone was Sandra Bullock. Budget. This dress is budget purple, see-through Saran Wrap. Ick.

But, for me, nothing was worse than Chloe Sevigny. Did she take a risk. Yeah. Did it fail? For me, yeah. Because she looks like an internal organ.

Seriously, whenever she laughed (or in her case "guffawed") she looked like a large intestine contracting in an effort to move shit through bowels. Yep, that's right. I said it. And, it doesn't help that Chloe disgusts me. She has no class. None. Zippo. She is the epitome of gauche (look it up because there's no other way to describe her).

As for the SAG's...I didn't even watch them. But, from the looks of it, the dresses were also...meh. But instead of hating on everything, I'll tell you what I liked, besides Diane's mustard colored wonderment.

Helen Mirren.

She's 64 (!!!!), and I would totally have sex with her. How hot can you be?! Such a babe.

Penelope just because her body is sick. The dress is good too, but that body. So real, so beautiful.

And to end on an even more positive note, I will leave you with a little video gift to wash the taste of Chloe Sevigny out of your mouth.

Bob's acceptance speech. In a room full of hypocrites, sychophants, and people who spew a bunch of "I'm so grateful" bullshit, Bob truly is. He fucking gets it. And, can you say: "Charisma"? My body goes all tingly when he speaks. What a bad ass.

Before I continue...I want to take a moment and remind you all to give to those in Haiti who are in desperate need of any and all forms of support.  I know a lot of us are "poor" grad. students, but we have NO clue what it means to do without.  So, let's all take that money we would've spent on a restaurant dinner tonight or that new pair of shoes and give to Oxfam, UNICEF, The American Red Cross, Doctor's Without Border's, Samaritan's Purse, or some other nationally legitimized charity organization.  You CAN help!

We now return to your regularly scheduled programming:

I know the Golden Globes are Sunday and another blog entry will follow re-capping best winner/loser moments and, of course, fashion!

But, I refuse to do GG predictions because the Hollywood Foreign Press is to much of an incestuous, ass-kissing, political, backstabbing organization to know what will happen.  I mean, the very FACT that Courtney Cox is nominated for "Best Actress" in a TV series, when NO ONE watches "Cougar Land" (or whatever her dumb-ass show is), should tell you that there are mechanism at work within the Golden Globes that have NO-thing to do with artistic integrity.  

So instead, I will give you a different kind of prediction.  And that is that Diane Kruger will KILL it on the carpet.   Seriously, I have been watching her for a while, and her style is FLAWLESS! I love her sooooo much.  She can dress AND accessorize.  You can tell that she loves clothes, but she's not a desperate dresser.  She wears what she wants to, when she wants to, for herself.  Love.

Here's a 20009 (yep these are all from this past year) Kruger retrospective.

Cute and Flouncy 

Cap. Sleeve.

Hipster Dream

Fresh and Healthy and So Sexy

What happens when a risk totally pays off

And this is how you make sure lace doesn't look old or like you're getting married

Hot. Pants.

Nude is hard. Except for her.

At the Met.

Archy-texture.

Gem One.

And you'll all remember how I gushed over this Gem Two a while back.

How to dress for an outdoor Vogue luncheon.

Getting off an overnight flight to Berlin

Looking Fabulous even while running errands!

How to wear something totally similar, but completely different (and please notice, she is not wearing any makeup...ridiculous.)

All hail the carpet Queen!!!! This bitch can DRESS! I love every single thing. Seriously, if you look at Diane and STILL think Eva Longoria is "sooooo cute and stylish!"...we can't be friends anymore.

What happens when Eva tries to be edgy?  A "It's just our kookie Granny" dress with frumpy, Christmas bobble sleeves and even frumpier shoes, a pompadour and, yes, if you could see the up-close...she is indeed wearing white eyeshadow.

What happens when Eva tries to do sparkles too?  An aluminum foil wrap around. And when your worried something may fail...you can always compensate with the breasts (Oh, in this case, she knew. Trust.)

Snooooze.

And these are all recent photos.  Fail, fail, and fail.

So, while Diane is currently the ruling Queen on my style chart and I continue to mercilessly slay Eva, Zoe Saldana is definitely a Princess in training.  This is a girl who loves to dress UP.  Really, she is the kind of girl who loves being a girl and going to the 9's.  While Kruger is a little more "easy elegance,"  Zoe is all about the drama!

A lesson in how to do "shine."

Even better.

That's all the fashion I can take for today. But keep your eyes peeled for Golden Globes favorites.  And make sure you watch the actual red carpet or look at internet fashion re-caps. Because watching the Dumbasses on the E! Fahion Police Special (our girl Eva and the even more fashionally challenged Kardashian broad will be hosting...I know, poor taste wins again) try to act like they "get it" and fawn over anything pale pink or one shouldered (because that's, like, sooo edgy) will make you want to tear your eyes out.

  

Today, I am going to see "The Young Victoria."

I haven't really pimped the movie on the blog, because I know some of you aren't into the whole "costume drama" genre, and, after the "Bright Star" effusions earlier this Awards Season, I figured I'd spare you.

Because "The Young Victoria" won't be as "good" as "Bright Star."  Sure, Emily Blunt will get a nomination (she already has a Golden Globe nod), but the movie won't be as "artistic" and "powerful."  It will be lots of talking, pretty dresses, and (love of all my loves) England.  Thus, you can only imagine how I am wetting myself as we speak.

So, in celebration of all things "Masterpiece Theater,"  I am hereby devoting this entry to being a "Period Piece Retrospective."  I will briefly categorize what I feel are the recent (last 25 years) seminal costume dramas and give you my take.  But more importantly, I want your analysis and opinions.   Why do we need a new version of Pride and Prejudice every 3 years?  And, stranger still, why do we eagerly watch and devour every single one? Is it simple escapism? Or something else?

Let's begin, shall we?

"Pride and Prejudice"

It's a monster.  People who like this movie do not just like it. They fucking love it. It is THE movie.  Colin Firth is THE Mr. Darcy.  Jennifer Ehle is THE Elizabeth Bennett.  (Never mind the fact that Jennifer is NOT British at all and was, in fact, born in Winston-Salem, North Carolina and that her accent in the movie is totally affected. And that she's waaaaay to pretty to be Lizzie.  And is waaayyy to old to play a 19 year old.  And is waaaay to stern in her portrayal. No no no no no, we won't hear a word against her.)

Don't get me wrong, I love this movie. Hell, I Fucking love it.  But, I really really long for the day when we can tear down the veil that separates this Holy of Holies from other adaptations and talk about it critically (and yes, that includes dissecting Colin Firth too).

"Elizabeth"

This is the one that put Princess Cate on the map.  As it should. This movie is ridiculous.  And she is ridiculous in it.  I can't vouch for historical authenticity, blah blah blah, but I can attest that she was regal and the film is beautiful.  My mother drug me to see this with her in the theater when I was way too young to see it, and I left loving it anyway.  And it gets better on repeat viewings.  If you have never, you must. And if it's been a while, it's time.

"Gosford Park"

It's an intellectual's Agatha Christie.  Directed by Robert Altman and starring.....well, everyone.  I mean, everyone is in this film.  But Kelley MacDonald, Dame Maggie Smith, and Dame Helen Mirren are the stand outs.  I love this movie.  But, I'll be honest. It's hard.  Especially if you are a new or only moderate Anglophile.  See, the movie rests on British ideologies of class, wealth, genealogy, morality, and the ever fluid relationship between "the upstairs and the downstairs."  If you don't already have a sense of what that's all about, the movie can feel a bit disjointed. This is because Altman leaves a lot "unexplained" and just relies on teeny, tiny visual clues and implications.  Like, at the face twitch level.  

But, it still contains one of the best sublimely subtle snarky moments in modern cinema.  If you've seen it, you'll know.  "Difficult color, green."  Perfect.

"William Shakespeare's Romeo + Juliet"

Yes, it's a costume drama.  Do not fight me on this; I will cut you. Yes, yes it's technically "modern" and thus not a strict "period piece," but it has and will continue to change the landscape of all costume dramas to come.  Don't believe me?  Just look at "Marie Antoinette."  As much as I love her, Sofia Coppola owes a lot to Baz Lurhman.  Visually, he busted the conventions of period pieces wide open and breathed fresh life into a genre that is somehow constantly fighting against being marginalized. Not to mention what he did for Shakespeare.  (Trust me on this: Bill was smiling in his grave. He would have loved it.)

"Sense and Sensibility"

I know you thought I forgot.  It's "the other one."  "Not as good as P&P, but still really good.  Oh Emma Thompson, worship worship worship."  And rightly so. To this day, she is still the only woman to win and Oscar for acting AND screenwriting.

But Alice and I were talking about this the other day. S&S is a really fucking depressing book.  Bleak.  And while Emma gets it right (I mean, absolutely right) for the first 2 and a half hours, she whitewashes it at the end.  Weak.

For your consideration: These are the other "big" period dramas that are a little more debatable.

"Shakespeare in Love"

For me this has always been meh. I give it a thumbs down.

"Pride and Prejudice" (The Keira Knightly version)

No one but me like this version.  I like it, you all hate it.  We can fight about it.

"Emma" (The Gwyneth Paltrow one)

I used to like this. When I liked Gwyneth.

"Jane Eyre"

Now, having (finally) read the book, I need to go back and re-watch.

"Marie Antoinette"

As aforementioned, it's so so pretty. Slow, but pretty.  Like a really long, serene music video.

"Hamlet"

Mel before he was crazy. And, still...not a fan.

SOUND OFF!

Love.