Sunday, January 17, 2010


Sorry this has taken so long. With the Golden Globes and the SAG's bookending my time with the Swine Flu, I haven't felt very motivated to bitch about clothes.

But now I'm better and the Grammy's are this weekend. So, in order to conserve my snark powers, todays fashion post won't cover all the bases, but it'll hit the high notes. Let's get to it.

2010 Golden Globes Red Carpet Trend: Pale Pink/Flesh Tones

I told you, bitches!!! I told you this would happen. Damn someone should hire me.

Everyone showed up in pale pink/flesh colored one shouldered dresses just like I predicted. And I mean everyone. Even the smart ones got sucked in.

Like Emily Blunt. Emily, Where was your stylist? Who let this happen to you?! No matter what kind of body you have, no matter how well crafted the's still Miss Piggy. Sorry, I can't get past it.

Drew Berrymore- Oh look. It's pale pink. And one shouldered. And the shoulder is Crazy Edgy! Is it a sea urchin? Is it a squirrel who rolled his little tail in glitter paint? Is it a benign cyst? It's sooooo po-mo!!

Oh Maggie. Ohhh no Maggie. This is not you. You are not Gwenyth Paltrow. You are so much more interesting and exciting than this bland fishtail (ugh!), strawberry-banana smoothie dress.

And yes readers, yes. I am aware that even my girlfriend was a "victim." Diane wore pink.

Here's the thing. This woman is smart. Much smarter than me or anyone else when it comes to clothes. Her finger is on the pulse of fashion at all times, so you have to guess that she knew. She knew it would be pale pink/extravagant shoulder dress day. And if there's one other thing I love about Diane, it's that she's hilarious. Watch interviews with her. She's really, really funny. Great sense of humor. Proof: At the Golden Globes, she and Bob (that's Robert Downey Jr. for those of you who aren't friends with him) were at a table together. While the rest of the room got all pissy at Ricky Gervais who was mocking them left and right, Diane and Bob were laughing. Hysterically. Everytime the camera cut to them, they were in stitches. Verdict: She's not up her own ass.

How does this relate to the dress, you ask. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's kind of ironic. Like, she knew that it would be "pretty pretty princess pink" all over the place, so she said "All bitches want pretty princess pink? Done." Because she doesn't have fashion lapses. She wasn't up to win anything at the Golden Globes. She was just there to party and support Tarantino. But just a week later at the SAG's (when she was nominated for an award which she won), look what she wore.

Amazing. AMAZING. Diane knows. Trust.

The other red carpet trend (besides basic black) was the "jewel tone/satin sheen" dress. Lots of ladies wore it. Here's Marion Cotillard and Penelope doing the Jewel Tone and the Black. Meh. That's my feeling on both.

The really disastrous Jewel Tone was Sandra Bullock. Budget. This dress is budget purple, see-through Saran Wrap. Ick.

But, for me, nothing was worse than Chloe Sevigny. Did she take a risk. Yeah. Did it fail? For me, yeah. Because she looks like an internal organ.

Seriously, whenever she laughed (or in her case "guffawed") she looked like a large intestine contracting in an effort to move shit through bowels. Yep, that's right. I said it. And, it doesn't help that Chloe disgusts me. She has no class. None. Zippo. She is the epitome of gauche (look it up because there's no other way to describe her).

As for the SAG's...I didn't even watch them. But, from the looks of it, the dresses were also...meh. But instead of hating on everything, I'll tell you what I liked, besides Diane's mustard colored wonderment.

Helen Mirren.

She's 64 (!!!!), and I would totally have sex with her. How hot can you be?! Such a babe.

Penelope just because her body is sick. The dress is good too, but that body. So real, so beautiful.

And to end on an even more positive note, I will leave you with a little video gift to wash the taste of Chloe Sevigny out of your mouth.

Bob's acceptance speech. In a room full of hypocrites, sychophants, and people who spew a bunch of "I'm so grateful" bullshit, Bob truly is. He fucking gets it. And, can you say: "Charisma"? My body goes all tingly when he speaks. What a bad ass.


  1. hahaha, i think i *heart* amanda palmer:

  2. It appears that all the Miss America contestants also got the one-shoulder, asymmetrical memo. Joy.