Wednesday, December 30, 2009


I'm disgusted with myself for staying away from this blog for so long.  But if you're waiting for some pat statement about how my New Year's Resolution list will include some flimsy promise to blog more...keep waiting.  I mean, I fully intend to blog more in the coming weeks, but I will not "New Year's Promise" anything.

New Year's Resolutions are stupid.  And I mean that in the most demeaning way possible.  I mean, there is just so much wrong with the philosophy under-pinning NY Resolve that if you can't spot some of it yourself, I can't help you.

But what I can help you do is filter through meaningless Hollywood materialism. So here's making up for lost time.

Holiday/Award Movie season is hard upon us.  If you're like me and pretty much live for awards season films, you may have found yourself overwhelmed by your cinematic options.  So I will give you my reviews of what I've seen so that you don't have to.

First:  "Up in the Air"

David loved it.  I didn't.  My parents really didn't.  

The movie is a hyper-realist/"everyman" story.  And that's not a bad thing.  Everyman stories can be some of the best.  But, for me, something about "Up in the Air" just didn't click.

For starters, it's about 25 minutes too long.  There are some scenes where you are left wondering...'what the hell is the point of this'?  And in a film where VERY little intentionally happens, these 'extra characterization scenes' are just uber boring.

And the acting.  Sigh.  This may be my biggest gripe.  Because that's all your hearing.  "Oh the acting acting blah blah so good THE performance of George Clooney's career."  If I was George, I would take this as an insult.  Because while the acting's not bad, it's not exceptional.  He was MUCH better in Syriana and Michael Clayton.  He won accolades for those and that's the way it should stay. I don't think he should win for this.  Sure, in the movie he plays "average" and "averagely depressed" well, but...I what?  Is that, like, supposed to be hard to represent? 

So in summary...I have to agree with one critic I read.  Is "Up in the Air" a bad film? No.  Is it the best film of the year?  Hell no.

Moving on:

Despite my little bitch fit earlier, my unfailing and eternal love, devotion, and admiration for my BFF Bob won out and I went to see "Sherlock Holmes."

And in a reversal of opinion...I loved it and David didn't.

But I get it.  The movie has problems.  I repeat.  Sherlock Holmes has problems.  And I'm completely ignoring the issue of inaccurate representation.  (Remember, you are not watching a faithful adaptation of Holmes. But that's okay. It's not the issue).  The issue is the editing.

Piss poor editing.  A good 30 minutes needed to be cut out.  Sure, the scenes are funny and cute but they HAVE NO PURPOSE and just cause the movie's pace to slow down and drag drag drag.  
For people like me, though, this can be overlooked.  I mean, I could watch RDJ read the phone book.  And the chemistry with Jude Law is amazing.  And it's set in England.  And there are costumes.  (Squeee!!)

But this isn't enough for the average movie goer.  In the theater, you could feel people getting lost.  They would shuffle their feet, whisper, text, anything to cure the momentary boredom before the film got back on track and the plot became relevant again.

So, if you're not into costume dramas and films with the snail-paced Masterpiece theater feel, you may want to skip it.  But I do want to warn you...Robert Downey Jr. can cover a multitude of sins.  If nothing else consider seeing it for him.

Proof of his amazingness below.  It's the new Iron Man trailer.  Can. Not. Wait.

As a final, sad parting note... there was one other thing about Sherlock that gave me pause.  Kelly Reilly.  Do you know Kelly Reilly?  She played Mr. Bingly's snooty sister Caroline Bingley in the new Kiera Knightly version of "Pride and Prejudice."  But before that she played the lead burlesque performer in "Mrs. Henderson Presents."   She was great in the former role and knock down, drag out, fucking brilliant in the latter. 

SUCH  a good but under-used actress.  And SO SO SO beautiful.  Crazy interesting face and killer body.  Curves in all the right places, trim but still having thickness in her upper arms.  Eats potato chips occasionally.  Perfect.

(Kelly's the one on the far left.)

Problem? She has destroyed herself.  DESTROYED her body.  In the film, she plays Watson's fiance.  And it took me 20 minutes to recognize her.  She looks sick. Ill. Wasted. Starved. 
Listen, I have body image issues too.  I'm curvy as all get out and I have to work to keep the curves from bubbling over.  But, I can NOT imagine what she had to do to her body to make it look the way it does now. I can't find a pic from the film that I can cut, so click the following link.  Then scroll through to the tenth picture. Yep. Hard to believe, but it's her.


if you're listening...please stop.  You were so beautiful.  Don't let them tell you to be something you aren't.  I love you,


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