Sunday, November 1, 2009

WARNING: The following content is Snark only (Film and Fashion later this week, promise).

Long car rides are tough.  Times passes slowly and there are only so many times you can hear "Use Somebody" or "All the Single Ladies" before losing your shit.

This is why car games are important.  And I don't mean "Collect the State Plates" or "I Spy with My Little Eye."  You need more innovation than this. Especially if the person sitting in the seat next to you is a.) over six and b.) has been dating you for over half a decade.  

When done right "Deal Breakers" can be really, really fun. And shockingly insightful. And, in all honestly, beneficial to any monogamous relationship.  It puts things in perspective. It reminds you that you are, in fact, with someone who values you and vice-versa. Plus, it's funny as hell.

Now is the time for the final warning. The following lists are full of stereotypes and scathing, superficial, and totalizing judgements.  If such declarative, narrow minded criticism offends you, do not read further. Take your self-righteousness to GOOP or some other such blog.  Because it doesn't belong here.

"Deal Breakers"*

The rules of deal breakers are simple. You must list in brief phrasing the qualitative appearances, accessories, occupations, or other accoutrement's that an individual can possess that occlude you from ever even considering entering a dating relationship with said individual.  No matter how "hot" "nice" "etc." that person may be reputed to be, their affiliation with said object reveals an intrinsic truth about them that you find repellent.  These things are deal breakers.

*To reiterate, these laws apply only to romantic relationships. Individuals can (sometimes) be friends with and (in only some instances) even respect individuals with "deal-breaker" qualities.  They simply can not enter into close emotional and sexual bonds with them.

David's Deal Breakers

1. Women who have, or want, a small dog that doubles as an accessory

2. Heavy makeup

3. Heavy perfume (offensive or not since the latter becomes the former in large quantities)

4. French pressed nails (esp. if regularly maintained/changed)

5. Stripper (irregardless of breast size)

6. Tramp stamp

(sorry...there were just too many to choose from) 

7. Women wearing basketball jerseys outside of appropriate sporting arena or in-home event viewing

8. Women wearing men's khaki shorts 

9. Tanning bed membership

10. Live-in in-law (excepting medical/financial necessity)

Leanne's Deal Breakers

1. Men wearing basketball jerseys outside of appropriate sporting arena or in-home event viewing

2. Soul patches

3. Dodge Magnums, Avengers, Cameros, or other similar "modern" muscle cars

4. One or more chains of any size 

5. Truck nuts

6. A car or truck (usually the latter) adorned with any form of hunting-related sticker or other such paraphernalia (Note: #5 usually accompanies #6. Furthermore, men who own these are often referred to in their absence as "You know X, the guy who likes to hunt." However, please note that the deal-breaker does not describe every man who, on occasion does go and hunt. Rather, the "automobile markers" serve to inform potential mates that the owner is defined by his obsession and that this is ridiculous and intolerable.)

7. Police officer or police officer in training (criminal justice majors will be taken under close and unfairly critical review)

8. Any member of any branch of the United States Armed Forces

9. Any facial piercing (lip, eyebrow, tongue, nose, etc.)

10. Live-in in-law (excepting medical/financial necessity)

Now it's time for you to descend to my level. Brush that self-righteousness off your shoulders and tell me...What are yours [and yours's]?

1 comment:

  1. I've been thinking a lot about this and the one deal-breaker that has really stuck out in my mind thus far is EAR GAUGES. 'nuff said.

    I have to agree with most of your list, most passionately with #'s 1-6. 7 and 8 I've never really thought about so I guess they would be deal-breakers because I've never even given these guys a romantic thought. As for facial piercings, it's not a deal-breaker for me, as long as the piercing(s) is in good taste. For example, for the first several months I dated Kie, I had no idea he had nose and tongue piercings. He just hadn't put them in in a while. He wears them sometimes now, but it doesn't distract because his whole style is simple and tasteful. He even wears good shoes.

    WAIT. There's a deal-breaker for me. Old, dirty, bad bad shoes. I'll give you a thought but I'll leave you in the dust if you wear them all the time.

    As for #9, if I have kids I want plenty of relatives and friends around to help me raise them. If the in-law lived in the same neighborhood or even in a seperate, self-sufficient apartment next to the house that would be fine. Granted, I haven't really met my future in-laws yet. :-)

    Hopefully I'll have more to come as I remember them!