LOTS to post on today!

Apologies, but Spring Break spent in Florida with my wonderful Aunt was bookended by wedding planning and left no time to do the less important stuff like gossip and blog.

So here's the programming schedule in case you want to pick and choose:

Oscar Fashion Stitch and Bitch (You don't want to skip this one)

New Movies You Should See

New Movies You Shouldn't See

The Oscar Curse

First Up:

As usual, the Oscars were long and masturbatory. I mean, really? Must we montage everything? Why is it necessary to recap every movie, every performance, every dead man's work with a 120 second clip compilation. I'm sorry, but the movie/actor/director montage is like an ego hand job. Montages flick through images in increasingly rapid succession while actors purr over their collective "amazingness" until the thing finally climaxes and shoots its wad all over the audience who moan in unison "We really are awesome aren't we?"

As for the fashion...well. It was okay. Better than last year, but still not up to snuff.

But I guess I must also warn you: By this point in the evening, I was well into my fifth or six glass of champagne, and so my powers of snark and observation were a little curbed. Add to that the fact that I left the next morning for SBK2010... and my fashion review is a little brief.

For a full, comprehensive (but definitely NOT objective fashion wrap-up) head on over to Lainey.

And due to my sub-par snark...I am relying heavily on the keen observations of my guest bloggers who were hilarious and dead on (thanks Paddy and Sleight!)

What follows is an almost literal transcript of some of the best comments of the night. Again, snark is largely Sleights and Paddy's. I was too busy being shit faced and trying to type.

Tina Fey

Apparently, her mom took her in the back and put her in a dress and some makeup.

Jennifer Lopez

She stole Amanda Seyfreid's towel and re-wrapped it to accentuate her ass. Also...personal note to J-Lo...Tell your husband that this is not the Grammys and he needs to take his sunglasses off.

Best part of the Oscar red carpet:

The repeat showings of the horrifying new cervical cancer commercial.

Worst part of the Oscar red carpet:

ALL These Pouffy Up-dos! Really. The hair=Prom Queen with an unlimited budget. I mean, this should be a drinking game. So many offenders.

However, I must interject that the one good thing we can all agree on is that my girlfriend looks amazing.

(Editor's Note After the Fact: Don't fucking tell me it looks like what Eliza Doolittle wears to the horse race in My Fair Lady. I was drunk and I will cut you.)

Okay...back to the non-inebriated, reflective present.

Movies to see:

Alice in Wonderland

Well, at least according to box office totals. I haven't seen it yet, so don't take my word for it (or against it). I LOVE Lewis Carroll and I love the mythos that is Alice in Wonderland. And usually Tim Burton makes somewhere between a 'passable' and an 'awesome' movie, so I'm sure it's fine. I'm not really sure what I'm holding out for. I'm just not compelled to rush to the theater and sit through it. Maybe it's because I've told myself I need to be in a chemically altered state in order to fully enjoy it. Or maybe it's because I'm not sure I want to be. (It has the potential to be terrifying under the influence of any substance besides Diet Coke). I dunno. Convince me. Convince me I should just go and see it.

Movies not to see:

Clash of the Titans

You should NOT see this movie. I repeat. This is the kind of film that will make you dumber. You will be less enlightened and, in all honesty, less deserving of respect if you go see this.

Which is why.... I can not figure out why...

I

can't

help

myself.

I want to see this so bad. Like, I cannot wait.

I mean, the self-embarrassment is overwhelming. But, like a moth drawn to the flame, I must go. I must watch Sam Worthington's muscles ripple in 3D. I must hear Liam Neeson's powerful tenor reverberate the words "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" I must suffer through the utter cheese that is sure to be this travesty of a movie. I can't explain it other than to say, maybe sometimes we just want what we know is bad for us.

Which brings us to the last item for the day.

The Oscar Curse.

For those of you who don't know about it, please skim this article showing what the Oscar curse is (most interestingly...high powered Oscar wins for women have resulted in the year or less dissolution of their marriages).

And how sad is it that its latest victim is no other than Princess Kate? I mean, it's not like I can say that I'm shocked necessarily. But I'm definitely surprised. And sad. Because I really was rooting for them. See, in her early twenties, Kate got married too young to a man she knew too little about. So, she got divorced. But then she met director Sam Mendes. And it seemed right. Because she had already had the starter marriage seemingly based on excitement which fizzled and then died. But with Sam, it was different. In an interview with a couple years back, she said:

"I woke up in the middle of the night after we'd met and I had this feeling in my stomach. I just knew what it was. I didn't want to stop being with him. I know categorically I'm married to the right man. I feel understood by him, completely known. And I get the enormity of what I'm saying, which is why I'm so grateful." (ELLE UK, 2009)

Mature. Substantive. Peaceful. That's how it looked on the outside. But apparently, that wasn't what started bubbling beneath the surface. So now the speculation begins.

Was Revolutionary Road, a story about a dysfunctional marriage starring Winslet and directed by Mendes, an effort by a wife/husband team to re-examine and re-coup a real life marriage? If so, what went wrong?

And more titillating, was anyone else to blame?

The Leo (Leonardo DiCaprio) rumors have been there for years. But time after time, they insist that they are just friends. Best friends, but friends nonetheless. However, there is the issue of "the ring." See, Winslet is famous for constantly wearing two rings. One was her marriage band, the other is a ring given to her post-Titanic by Leo with an inscription on the inside that no one but he and she have ever read. And then you have the Golden Globes acceptance speech. She cried, composed herself, and then lost it again while thanking Leo. Do you remember? And where did her husband fall in the speech? Interesting.

And all of this is on the heels of countless interviews where Winslet talked openly about how horrifying it was for her to film Revolutionary Road because she had to have a love scene with Leo while her husband watched and directed. Apparently, both men assured her they were not bothered by the situation, but Winslet openly admits that she was freaking the hell out.

I know, I know. It's unlikely. In all honesty, I'm sure it's just a simple, sad case of a marriage that slowly, even calmly, fell apart. But, in a way, it would be less depressing if that wasn't true. Sometimes, it's harder to see things just die than watch something new grow up in its place. Either way, I'm sad for Sam and Kate and their kids and I wish them all well. And I wish the Oscar Curse would go away.