If I could look like anyone,

it would be her.  Of course, ask me this question in a month or two and the answer will be entirely different. But right now, Norah Jones is "The Most Beautiful." 

She was on Colbert the other night, and you could feel it. Colbert and pretty much everyone in the audience was breathless. She was so beautiful, so sexy, and SO SMART.  Unlike most of Colbert's guests, who seem to be searching inside their brains the entire time for something half-way witty to say in response to his questions, Norah was just present.  Her responses were thoughtful and funny, and she wasn't even trying.  She's naturally brilliant, and boy oh boy was it a BIG turn on. Colbert thought so. And I did too.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Norah Jones
www.colbertnation.com
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And style!  Oh, her style. Love.

Accessible, but entirely her own.  Norah=my new lady crush.

To film: 

It's been a weird week.  Ladies, you know what I mean.  It's been one of those weeks where you start crying at Mastercard commercials but laugh inappropriately during "Damages."

So this may be coloring my view of things just a bit, but I kind of can't wait for "The Road." Have you seen the trailer? Yep, the tears come around the 1:30 mark.  Brutal. 

I started reading the book today (because I need to read it anyway) and because I need to find out if I can handle the movie.  See, I don't handle visual violence very well, so I may not be able to sit through a screening of "The Road."  Apparently, they have taken out the most disturbing parts of the book, and Viggo Mortensen (for me) can cover all manner of sins, but it's still going to be bleak. BLEAK.

Which is strange because Cormac McCarthy isn't what I picture when I think of a dark, violent writer.  Quite the opposite.  Almost like a cowboy.  Have you seen his Oprah Interview?  He's an odd one, but not at all threatening.

And speaking of Oprah,

really?  Really?  What will 40 year old women do?!  How will they learn about the porn industry, find out if their husband may be cheating, and get decorating tips?  Tyra sure as hell won't do it, because, you know, her show is only about her.  At least Joel McHale will have plenty to talk about on the Soup once TYRAnnosaurus Banks takes over the air waves.  Unless he quits too.

Love.

  

85 Million.

That's my prediction for "Twilight: New Moon"'s weekend box office total.  If you aren't in the movie "know," this is a HUGE number.  HUGE.  

Hard to believe, but it will make it. Guaranteed.  If you doubt me, you are obviously just trying to pick a fight, or you are unaware of the Twi-Crazy.

The Twi-crazy is the most bat shit insane stuff I have ever seen.  

No, really. Have you heard about this?  

It defies belief. It boggles the mind. Twilight fans are like pitbulls. Fiercely loyal, they will defend Stephenie Meyer, Bella, and Edward aka. Robert Pattinson to the seventh circle of hell even if it means sacrificing their morals or their young.  Seriously.

Proof: My favorite gossip blogger is Lainey Lu of LaineyGossip.com (she's hysterical).  She's a smart, well-read chick who calls the Twilight series as it is: the idea is fun, the writing sucks balls, the movies are sub-par, and the actors are pretty.  But because she is willing to call a spade a spade, she engenders a lot of hate. Here is only a sampling of some of the hate mail she has received.

Lainey you are such a stupid bitch. I’m reading you gushing over Shia Ladouche’s ugly girlfriend. How can you say she’s pretty with ugly short hair? According to you everyone should get an Oscar except for the person who deserves one and that is Rob Pattinson. Steph said last year that he deserved it for Twilight the people are too stuck up and I agree. I predict they will wake up to his talent this year though unlike your stupid ass after they see him in New Moon. You will see on November 20 and the world will not be the same. There’s nothing holding him back now and his performance deserves to be appreciated instead of kissing Shawn Penn’s ass. How hard is it to play a gay? You just have to act like a girl. GO ROB! And F-CK YOU LAINEY.

(FYI: The actors playing Bella and Edward are named Rob and Kristin and are a...gasp! orgasm!... real life couple. This little tid-bit explains the following hate)

I better not see you snark about Robsten holding hands tomorrow or I will fly to Vancouver and stick some real American revenge inside your pussy Canadian chink ass. From Denise

Dear Lainey, remember this day November 10/2009 for it’s when we were reborn to busk in the light of the love of Robsten, rejoicing in the desecration of those that hate the goodness and only seek the darkness. From Cathy 

What’s up Lamey? Are you hiding? Why not blogs about this, embarassed now? WE WERe RIGHT ALL ALONG AND YOU WERE WRONG MOTHERF-CKER! Let me guess that is staged? WRONG AGAIN. Real love cannot be held back. You tried to soffocate them but the truth will always come out. From Linda 

Lainey, Nikki was just a distraction. Rob was waiting for his eternal. When she was ready he had his chance and he took it. The prize is their love. And we are the winners in this beautiful story. I am toasting you tonight with champagne. We went to buy a bottle because we finally have an occasion. From Sharon 

And yes, all the typos are theirs.  So sick. So sad and pathetic.  My favorite?  'We bought a bottle of champagne b/c we finally have a reason to celebrate.'  The horror, the horror.

The good news is that Lainey is a cool chick who takes it in stride and still really likes communicating with her readers. So, I recently sent her an e-mail about my own encounter with Twi-hards (a few girls I teach got all bitchy with me when I criticized the books).  This was her response as posted on her website the next morning.

Thanks for your emails re: Twi-Hard hatemail, I appreciate the balancing support. I feel I have to clarify though: these are not young girls, not teens. Each and every piece of hate is from an adult female. How about that?

Yours in gossip,

Lainey

INSANE!!! But true. I did my own research and Lainey is right.  40 year old ADULT Twi-moms are the core of the Twi-hards.  Did you see Oprah on Friday? That alone proves it.  

What else proves it? On a more local/personal level, I received this from my most beloved Erin today.  Apparently, a customer was having a birthday meal at the restaurant where Erin works. Her friends brought along a "special guest" to surprise said birthday girl, and Erin was lucky enough to snap a few pics. with him.

Erin sees a "special guest" while at work

That's right. That is a life-size, cardboard cut-out of Edward Cullen, the Vampire given as a gift.  And I would be willing to bet half my next paycheck that she also received one of these.

That's right. They sparkle AND you can put them in the freezer.  With her Vamp and her cut-out, I'm sure she had a very meaningful birthday (is "meaningful" the right word?)

(Again-Thanks to Erin for sending these pics along. And to reiterate...it was a CUSTOMER that masterminded this.  My Erin was an innocent albeit enamored bystander. -wink-)

So...if you are planning on going anywhere this weekend, you might want to avoid the cineplex. And even if you want to see New Moon (I'll see it eventually I'm sure), I recommend waiting a few days until the Crazies disperse. 

This post may seem pointless, but I feel it's my duty to alert you to cult craziness and this is definitely a dark and increasingly loud sect. Plus, you need to be aware of what will be happening at theaters this weekend. With this said...You have been warned.

PS. I am so incredibly jealous of Lainey's hate mail.  It is my life's ambition to receive this kind of hate mail.  And no, I'm really not kidding.

Yes, it was awesome.

"An Education" is an incredible film and you should all see it. As soon as possible. Carrie Mulligan FTW (seriously...she WILL get an Oscar nomination: bet it).

I'm still waiting patiently for "Up in the Air" and "Nine" to come out, but until then, there are a few less delicious treats for my (and your) eyes to feast on.

Next week, two delightful films will open nationwide. And when I say delightful, I mean it. These will not be Oscar contenders, they won't change or challenge you, you won't leave the theater in tears. 

But they will be fun, fun, fun. The first of these happy, smart movies is:

"Fantastic Mr. Fox"

My love for Wes Anderson is no secret.  Yes, I know; not all of his movies have been as stellar as critics like to think. But I will never recant my statement that "The Royal Tenenbaums" is one of the best films in recent history. I love it. So much.   And I love Wes. And Owen. And Jason Schwartzmann (who will be getting his own half post very very soon). Even Bill Murray has a role in "The Fox."

Now I know some of you may be thinking...blech blech...it's soooo ridiculous that Anderson routinely uses the same 10 people in all his films...scorn scorn...nepotism.  But Wes has heard your judgemental cry. Which is why he's bringing in some fresh, albeit heavy-hitting blood. George Clooney and Meryl Streep are the film's actual headliners.  That's right. The King of Cool and Queen Meryl will be the stars of Wes Anderson's newest film.  I mean...I'm hyperventilating, and I haven't even seen it yet.

For those of you unfamiliar with the premise, it's a re-telling of Roald Dahl's book of the same name. And it's stop motion animation.  And will be almost too much giggly goodness for me to handle.

The other wonderfully good feel-good movie to come is:

"Pirate Radio" (formerly known as "The Boat That Rocked")

This film has been out for AGES in Europe and GB. And has done really really well.  Please go see it so that, once again, we American's don't prove to the rest of the world our dumb-ass-ness and bad taste in films.

It's by Richard Curtis who has done sooo many amazingly funny British RomCom's including one of my other most favorite films of all time "Love Actually."  (I mean...that movie is....perfect.)  Pirate Radio is based on true events in the 1960's when the BBC banned "rock" music from national broadcasts. So, a bunch of hippie DJ's went out into international waters and started broadcasting rock and roll hits to the musically starved masses.  

And speaking of casts...look at this cast.  Philip Seymour Hoffman, Kenneth Branagh, Emma Thompson, Bill Nighy, Nick Frost, and even newbie Tom Sturridge who is about to give his longtime BFF Robert Pattinson ("Twilight" vampire guy) a run for his money in the heart throb category. Bet this too: These two boys will soon be the new Ben and Matt. 

Both films come out November 13. It will be a busy weekend.

P.S. 

THIS DRESS. This dress is blowing my mind.  And she has such great style. 

  

WARNING: The following content is Snark only (Film and Fashion later this week, promise).

Long car rides are tough.  Times passes slowly and there are only so many times you can hear "Use Somebody" or "All the Single Ladies" before losing your shit.

This is why car games are important.  And I don't mean "Collect the State Plates" or "I Spy with My Little Eye."  You need more innovation than this. Especially if the person sitting in the seat next to you is a.) over six and b.) has been dating you for over half a decade.  

When done right "Deal Breakers" can be really, really fun. And shockingly insightful. And, in all honestly, beneficial to any monogamous relationship.  It puts things in perspective. It reminds you that you are, in fact, with someone who values you and vice-versa. Plus, it's funny as hell.

Now is the time for the final warning. The following lists are full of stereotypes and scathing, superficial, and totalizing judgements.  If such declarative, narrow minded criticism offends you, do not read further. Take your self-righteousness to GOOP or some other such blog.  Because it doesn't belong here.

"Deal Breakers"*

The rules of deal breakers are simple. You must list in brief phrasing the qualitative appearances, accessories, occupations, or other accoutrement's that an individual can possess that occlude you from ever even considering entering a dating relationship with said individual.  No matter how "hot" "nice" "etc." that person may be reputed to be, their affiliation with said object reveals an intrinsic truth about them that you find repellent.  These things are deal breakers.

*To reiterate, these laws apply only to romantic relationships. Individuals can (sometimes) be friends with and (in only some instances) even respect individuals with "deal-breaker" qualities.  They simply can not enter into close emotional and sexual bonds with them.

David's Deal Breakers

1. Women who have, or want, a small dog that doubles as an accessory

2. Heavy makeup

3. Heavy perfume (offensive or not since the latter becomes the former in large quantities)

4. French pressed nails (esp. if regularly maintained/changed)

5. Stripper (irregardless of breast size)

6. Tramp stamp

(sorry...there were just too many to choose from) 

7. Women wearing basketball jerseys outside of appropriate sporting arena or in-home event viewing

8. Women wearing men's khaki shorts 

9. Tanning bed membership

10. Live-in in-law (excepting medical/financial necessity)

Leanne's Deal Breakers

1. Men wearing basketball jerseys outside of appropriate sporting arena or in-home event viewing

2. Soul patches

3. Dodge Magnums, Avengers, Cameros, or other similar "modern" muscle cars

4. One or more chains of any size 

5. Truck nuts

6. A car or truck (usually the latter) adorned with any form of hunting-related sticker or other such paraphernalia (Note: #5 usually accompanies #6. Furthermore, men who own these are often referred to in their absence as "You know X, the guy who likes to hunt." However, please note that the deal-breaker does not describe every man who, on occasion does go and hunt. Rather, the "automobile markers" serve to inform potential mates that the owner is defined by his obsession and that this is ridiculous and intolerable.)

7. Police officer or police officer in training (criminal justice majors will be taken under close and unfairly critical review)

8. Any member of any branch of the United States Armed Forces

9. Any facial piercing (lip, eyebrow, tongue, nose, etc.)

10. Live-in in-law (excepting medical/financial necessity)

Now it's time for you to descend to my level. Brush that self-righteousness off your shoulders and tell me...What are yours [and yours's]?

She's needs a intervention.

Because this is not okay.  

Yes, of course we all know she has an eating disorder. But, unlike Mary Kate and others who try to hide their struggles underneath yards of loose, figure hiding fabric, Posh seems content to advertise her thinification at every turn. I am not a specialist on eating disorders, but I know enough about anxiety induced control issues to know that this is not "fine."  Not even close.  

And she's using fashion to aid and assist this behavior. Also not okay. Someone at Rock and Republic, please...don't continue to facilitate this.  No, she doesn't need our judgement. She needs help.

Black panneling that concaves inward on the upper thigh. Because, you know, all upper thighs should ideally curve inward at your pubic bone. 

Alexander McQueen. Shame on you. This isn't an illusion. It's an allusion to a sad truth.

And the even sadder truth is that, unless her brain dead husband starts spending less time on the field and more time trying to get her the help she deserves, it will only get worse. Because Posh has just been replaced as the model for the Armani Underwear ad-campaign by none other than another (albeit this time, self-professed) anorexic Megan Fox.  

A lesser of two evils?

And some of you still want to give birth to and raise children in this society? 

You are allowed to procreate only if you have the kinds of kids who shun this type of marketing and instead watch good t.v. and movies.  Like "An Education."  Will be seeing it. In New York. On Saturday. With wine and Alice. Will report back with details.

Initial buzz is that it's AMAZING. A story about the kind of girl you should want your girls to be. Brave. Flawed. Smart. Redeeming.  And Carey Mulligan is definitely not Posh but is still beautiful and so poised.  

Poise.  

I will take poise over "Posh" any day.

Oh. As a P.S....

This is Posh when she was a healthy thin.  This is Megan Fox at 18.  Yes, these are examples of how weight loss can change you.  But in the case of the latter...I don't think the decreased intake of food is the only thing at "work" here. No one changes that much from 18 to 23. No one. Period.

I am in the middle of grading my first batch of papers for ENG 101.

Without continuing the weeping and gnashing of teeth that has been my major mode of communication for the last 24 hours and bringing my lamentations to you (or those of you who have luckily been spared my tirades on "generation stupid"), I will simply summarize by saying...life holds few surprises. First impressions are usually right, and if a group of individuals sound and act dumb...they probably are.

How funny is it then that my faith in my ability to be surprised was revived by the fuckery that is the Twilight franchise?

The "Twilight: New Moon" Soundtrack was released today, and I can testify first hand that it does not suck (this and all subsequent vampire puns are embarrassingly unintentional).  No really. It's really, really good. I mean...look at the artist list:

Girzzly Bear

St. Vincent

Bon Iver

Thom York

Lupe Fiasco

Muse

Sea Wolf

Death Cab

Anya Marina

Lykke Li

The Killers

Ok Go

Band of Skulls

and more....

No shit. Like I said, I'm surprised too.  And they're new songs...some even written specifically for the movie.  That's right...Thom York and the hippest of the hipsters wrote, sang, and recorded ballads to Edward and his angst ridden, sparkling member. 

For those of you who mock the young adult market, let this be a lesson.  Never ever underestimate the economic power of the 12-18 year old female demographic. When united by a common bond, they can topple civilizations.

Now fans just have to hope that the film is a shadowy reflection of the music.

In movie news, the full length trailer for "The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus" was released this week.  I dunno how I feel about this.  Scratch that...I do.  

It's kitsch on arrival.  College freshman (male and female) will be ripping down their "Fight Club" posters and slapping this one up in its place. Why? Well, it's the perfect "let's get stoned and go trip out on this crazy movie" movie. And also because, you know, Johnny Depp is, like, soooo hot and dude, Heath Ledger's awesome.

I know, it's a preemptive judgement. But after today, I'll be surprised if I'm ever surprised again.

As noted by Julie,

it has been quite awhile.

Maybe my subconscious was forcing me to stay away from the blog for a bit, because I will be longing to vent about movies from now until December.  

It's Oscar push time.  You know what that means. The Jane Campions will be battling studio giants of Biblical proportions for a chance to get on the Academy Awards stage.  TIFF (Toronto International Film Festival) ended a few weeks ago, and this means the buzz has begun.  Here are some highlights.

"Bright Star"

I was skeptical, and, let's face it,...a jealous little bitch.  I have kept pretty mum about this because A.) I used to pontificate about how someone should cinematically tell the John Keats love story (and therefore somehow thought this meant I owned the idea) and B.) I hadn't seen it.

Well. Tuesday I did see it.  And loved every laborious, tear inducing minute of its 2 hr run time. Ben Whishaw is my new boyfriend, Jane Campion my new hero, and Abby Cornish my first prediction for a Best Actress nomination.  So. So. Good.  Find this film. Drive the next town over if you have to. It's that beautiful. 

For those of you unfamiliar with the story, Keats began writing poetry at around 20. His mother and his brother both died of tuberculosis and at 23, Keats began to see that he was probably doomed to the same fate.  Then, he met Fanny Brawne, the girl who lived literally next door.  They fell in love. He wrote his best poetry during they're two year courtship. But Keats was also aware that he was too poor to marry.  And more importantly, he knew he had contracted TB. At 25, he died. The story is riveting and the film does it complete justice. It's moving without being melodramatic and over the top. Beautiful without being cliched.  Honestly, anymore of my tripe-filled words would only diminish it's extravagance, so I will close by telling you to watch the trailer below.

Next: "Up in the Air"

George Clooney seems like a nice guy.  Probably great to have a beer with. I've never been a huge, huge devotee. He's a decent actor who's gotten better with time and opportunity.  But "Up in the Air" is supposed to be incredible, largely due to Clooney's performance.  And Anna Kendrick, who, until now has been ridiculously under used is just as good. She was amazing in the indie "Rocket Science" and then settled for the Twilight fuckery.  "Up in the Air" will be the one that puts her on the map.  It's directed by Jason Reitman ("Juno," "Thank You For Smoking"). It's about a road warrior (Clooney) whose job it is to fly across the country handling corporate downsizing.  A life of constant travel and laying people off results in exactly what you think it would-a life devoid of feeling. Let the nominations begin.

"Where the Wild Things Are"

It's probably not going to get a nod for best picture, but it'll get some art direction awards, etc. But let's face it, for this movie, awards buzz is irrelevant.  The hype for this thing has been inherent since day one. Add an indie director, a cute kid (I mean...really, how cute is he? And I am not particularly susceptible to-shudder-'children'), and a good soundtrack, and the screen adaptation of WTWTA is celluloid gold. Get ready.

More awards predicts to come.

Love.