Alright. Fine.

I can't put this off anymore.  It's Wednesday aka. T-minus 4 days 'til the Oscars.

Again, these are my predictions with Lock/Lean point values assigned (2pts. for Lock/1pt. for Lean).  And, yes, I am voting a winner in every category (unlike Slate magazine and their weak ass "you don't have to pick a category if you don't want to" rule).  And yeah, I may crash and burn (there are some risky picks here)... but go hard or don't go at all.

Best Actor:  Colin Firth (2 pts.)

Best Actress:  Natalie Portman (1pt.) *Benning could surprise everyone. Also, she sits on the nominations board which means she's got a lot of friends in high places.

Supporting Actor:  Christian Bale (2 pts.)

Supporting Actress:  Helena Bonham-Carter (1 pt.) *This is so risky; I can not believe I'm putting her instead of Melissa Leo.

Original Screenplay:  The King's Speech (2 pts.)

Adapted Screenplay:  The Social Network  (2pts.)

Documentary:  Inside Job (1 pt.)

Documentary (Short):  Killing in the Name (1 pt.)

Animated Film:  Toy Story 3 (2 pts.)

Animated (Short): Day and Night (1 pt.)

Live Action (Short):  Na Wewe (1 pt.)

Foreign Language Film: Biutiful (1 pt.)

Cinematography:  True Grit (2 pts.)

Costume Design:  Alice in Wonderland (1 pt.)

Art Direction:  Inception (1 pt.)

Makeup:  Barney's Version (1 pt.)

Original Score: The Social Network (2 pts.)

Original Song:  Toy Story 3 (1 pt.)

Sound Mixing:  Inception (1 pt.) * True Grit may actually win this one. My gut tells me Inception won't take both of the Sound awards, but it's the "smart" bet.

Sound Editing:  Inception (1 pt.)

Visual Effects:  Inception (2 pts.)

Film Editing:  The Social Network (2 pts.)

Director:  Tom Hooper (1 pt.)  *This was literally the hardest one to choose. So, if Fincher wins, you are not allowed to crawl up my ass.

Best Picture:  The King's Speech (2 pts.)

Total Number of "Locks": 10

Total Number of "Leans": 14

Total Points Possible: 34

Total Points: TBD (Remember, points are DEDUCTED if the category is "lost").

Good luck on your brackets! (Red Carpet rundown will happen next week).

As a parting gift, I'm ending today with a movie that will certainly NOT be up for any awards next year.  But, I have a feeling that "Bad Teacher" may be one of my favorites of 2011.  Because it's relatable to those of us women who are sarcastic, vulgar, and un-idealistic.  I mean, I swear, there are days when I think that if my students were any dumber, I'd have to water them.

Oscars!!!


They are in a week!









Are you ready?


Full disclosure: I don't know if I am.  Because this year was TOUGH.  There were a lot of good movies.  And the performances were even better.


Right now, the heavy competition seems to be between The King's Speech and The Social Network (ehh hemm...both of which I lauded and praised on this very blog long before nominations or post Thanksgiving buzz..gloat, gloat, gloat).


Don't worry.  My pride may be totally destroyed next Sunday.  Because this is one of the first years in recent memory where I am petrified to make my picks.  Here's the situation.  At first, everyone was all about The Social Network.  And then The King's Speech took over.  As of about two weeks ago, I would have bet everything that The King's Speech would take everything.  But then, Egypt happened.





No, seriously.  It is silly and stupid that something so serious could effect something so trivial, but Hollywood experts are saying it very well may have.  The presence of Facebook, Twitter, and other forms of social media/networking were a central component throughout the protests.  I mean, the government issued an internet blackout for a reason.  And then, when the ban was lifted, the internet blew up with Egyptian youth and protesters communicating their experiences with each other and the world.


So, all of a sudden, this movie about how a couple of Harvard computer geeks changed everything seems a little less grandiose and a little more realistic and significant.  Maybe more so than a movie about a dead English monarch learning to overcome a speech impediment.  (Of course, you could make the argument that he gave hope to a nation during the worst war the world has even seen.  But that was the past. Egypt is the present. And people have short memories).





Here's the other rub with the whole King's Speech vs. Social Network debacle.  More often than not, whatever film wins Best Picture also wins Best Director and Best Film Editing.  Problem is...a ton of people are saying King's Speech will win Best Picture.  But The Social Network will win Film Editing.  And the decision over director is almost split down the middle. This is because Tom Hooper (King's Speech) won the Directors Guild (the winner of which wins the Oscar 9 out of 10 times).  But then David Fincher (Social Network) still has a teeny tiny edge in the critics polls and...he's due for a win having been snubbed for Se7en, Fight Club, etc.





See?   It's all muddled.  And the voters don't like it to be muddled.  They like for there to be a clear "BEST."  They like for one film to sweep everything.  The "big" awards rarely get split between big films. Literally, the thinking is...we've got to make sure that we vote a stand out.  


And Colin Firth WILL win Best Actor for King's Speech.  Bet it.  But, Aaron Sorkin WILL win for Best Adapted Screenplay for The Social Network. (you can bet that one too).

Ugh!! This year is soooo tricky.


Thankfully, I have come across a much better, more interesting, and more fun way of doing Oscar balloting.  If you have an office pool to set up or are hosting a party, you may want to consider doing this.


Step One: Print out Oscar ballots for your guests/office mates.


Now here's where things change.  Instead of just circling the winner in sharpie, writing your name at the top, and then "counting" to see who got the most categories right, do a "lean" vs. "lock" points system.


Here's how "lean" vs. "lock" works.


For every category, you have two options.  After you circle who you think will win, you designate it a "Lean" which means "Eh, I think they'll win" aka. "I'm leaning towards them" or a "Lock" meaning "I feel confident that they will win" aka. "They are a lock."


For every "Lean" that you get right, you get 1 point.  For every "Lock" that you get right, you get 2 points.
However, for every "Lean" that you get wrong, you lose 1 point. For every "Lock" that you get wrong, you lose 2 points.


The person with the highest points total wins.


Now, here's where the debate comes in. I have seen Lean/Locks that require voters to choose a winner in every category.  I have seen Lean/Locks that allow you to not make a prediction for every category.  For me, the latter way feels like cheating or at the very least is a pussy move.  So, I won't be playing that way.  But, I'll leave it up to you to decide. Cowards.


Oscars are Sunday, Feb 27 at 8:00.  But, the Red Carpet goes live at 7:00.  Which... I mean...how could you NOT watch the carpet?  Scoff and please.


And, finally, my Oscar prediction picks will be up on the blog by Wednesday (with Lock/Leans assigned).  Want to play me?  The prize can be bragging rights.  Or beer.


LOVE!

The Oscars are coming, and we'll get to them soon enough.

But, first things first, because my Geek needs to address the new X Men: First Class trailer that dropped last week.

Like most people, I like action movies, especially in the summer.  Iron Man, The Nolan Batman reboots, and the recent Star Trek were all excellent translations of stories that are, let’s face it, held sacred by nerds.

And, if you don’t pay any attention at all, the insanely large crowds at Comic Con each year should be proof enough that Comic Books are a mainstay.

Here’s the thing you may not know, however.

Everyone has “One.”  Each little nerd, geek, techie in the country has “the one” comic/hero/story/mythos that he/she reveres above all others.  They have read every comic incarnation, seen the cartoon tv adaptations or manga movies, and they will line up around the block for the Hollywood Movie version of their favorite creation.

Batman is most people’s favorite.  I’ve always theorized it’s because Bruce is the “self” made super hero with endless capital and status in both his cloaked and un-cloaked personas.  In other words, he is the American Ideal: self made, wealthy, completely average (he doesn’t actually have any super powers), and un-flexibly narcissistic (the “bat signal” anyone? not to mention the sense of self righteousness that must preceed vigilante justice?).  

Spiderman cuts a close second. He’s the “unlikely” hero. The skinny, science nerd, pacifist who is forced into a life he didn’t choose, emotionally unequipped to handle anything (and therefore both “fantastical” but also “relatable”).

But, for me, it has never been Bruce or Peter.  Or Tony Stark or Clark Kent or any of the other stand alone “heroes.”

For me, it has been, and always will be X-Men.  I started by watching the cartoon. Then, I spent my allowance and bought the "initial" run of X-Men comics (yes, David, this was also around the same time I bought the Donkey Kong Cheat Book.)  And, I have seen all the terrible movie adaptations.  Even so, my love for X-Men remains intact.

The reasons are numerous.  I like that they are a tribe.  I love Professor X, Jean Grey, Hank (aka. Beast), and Rogue (and apologies to Anna Paquin, but you RUINED her).  Perhaps most of all, I like how the politics of Charles vs. Erik constantly determine the X-Men universe.

Which is why I hate what Hollywood has done to them.  There has NEVER been a good X Men movie.  Ever.

Hopefully, this June, that will all change.

Because Matthew Vaugh, who made Kick Ass (WHICH WAS AMAZING RENT IT IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT!) is making X Men: First Class.

As expected, X-Men: First Class is the story of how the X-Men became THE X-Men.  But, what gives me hope, besides the director who is awesome, is the cast!

Have you seen the cast?!!!

Nicholas Hoult (from Skins and About a Boy) is Hank

Our girl Jennifer Lawrence is Mystique

January Jones is Emma Frost

Rose Byrne (Damages) is Moira MacTaggart

And....lastly...most greatly...James McAvoy is Charles (Shelby! Bitch! You need to rent Atonement now so that your James McAvoy hard-on can be at its biggest for this movie!)

For those of you not in the know...that's A LOT of Emmy and Oscar nominees.

Please, please please please let this be good.  Let this be great.

The trailer is below. Don't worry, it's only a teaser.  A full length one will come later.  And knowing Matthew Vaughn and his penchant for enormous on-line, video campaigns, there will be many more teasers as well.

Coming Soon....My Oscar predictions.  And!  A new system for Oscar balloting that is waaaayyyy better and will make your office/Oscar party betting pool much more fair.

BAAAHHH HAAAA HAAAA HAAAA!!!!





Hysterical.  It's our favorite game.  Here is Eva Longoria at Sunday's Golden Globes in, yep...you guessed it...another fish tail dress.





This Golden Globes was full of truly horrendous fashion.  And Eva and her weird/vampire/fish tail hyrbid is just the beginning...so let's go!


Lea Michele








In the words of Bridget Jones: "Oh. Holy. Jesus."  I almost fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard.  I don't even have room to be embarrassed for her. Only room for laughter and joy.


Julianne Moore





And then Julianne comes along and picks up the scraps from Lea Michele's dress and hand sows them together.


Olivia Wilde








That face says it all. She knows she made a horrible mistake. She let the stylist and herself get more and more giggly and squeal-y as the dresses got bigger and bigger, and so she totally lost sight of what Coco Chanel taught us: Edit, ladies. Edit.


Julia Stiles





She should have stuck with Julia Stiles Styles Shants because I am in awe that black can look this heavy (and mind you, she is a skinny, skinny girl).


Emma Stone





You know its bad when your face is more orange than the dress.


Jennifer Lopez





Apparently, American Idol doesn't pay as much as we thought it did.


Megan Fox








Maybe it's because she's wearing it, but this dress looks as cut up as her face.


Michelle Williams





Michelle, if you pull this kind of a stunt again, I can't vote for you to win that Oscar.  I know that you are one of the truly nice ones in Hollywood though, so this time I'll cringe and overlook it.  But, next time...phone a friend.


Halle Berry





I guess if you're a single mom with infinite wealth and resources at your disposal, you are still so busy you're bound to leave the house with half your dress missing.


Jennifer Love Hewitt





I thought she was invited by mistake and now that I'm seeing this dress, I'm sure of it.


Christina Hendricks





Your body is so hot and amazing.  But, listen.  Us girls with tits...they are our natural chest accessories.  You don't need additional ornaments.


All in all, fashion at the 2011 Globes was bad or weak. Because besides these, there are many, many that I'm not posting simply because they were BORING.  We've seen it again and again and again and again. Pale Pink. Column dress. A few sparkles. Ugh. (And I'm also looking at you Miss Kunis).


In fact, there were only a couple I really loved:


Leighton Meester








Yep. Those are long, blouse-y sleeves.  And she is totally rocking it. Do you know how hard that shit is to pull off?  Well, she did it.  And knows it too. Look at that smug face. 


Hailee Steinfeld





She is 14 and new to Hollywood.  And yet, she doesn't look like she's prematurely 35 or straight out of a "Toddlers and Tiaras" competition.  Hailee, please thank your mother for me. 


Kyra Sedgewick





This dress is so well cut and so well made.  But more than that, it is her. This dress suits the woman wearing it.


Angelina Jolie





I love green.  I love her in green.  Go ahead, say it.  She looks like the main character in "Wicked." Whatever, You're just jealous.


Lastly, I have one "undecided:"


January Jones








I don't know if it's "Fifth Element Ugly" or truly unique and eye changing.  Maybe it's just that it fits so well on her.  But that red is so obnoxious. Maybe I would love it more if it was Navy.  Yes, that's it.  It needs to be Navy.


Thoughts?

On Ricky Gervais





Listen, I get that he was mean.  I get that he took un-fair left hooks to people.  Fuck, in less than five minutes the man absolutely destroyed Angelina Jolie, His Most Holiness Johnny Depp, an organized religion based in Hollywood that shall remain nameless out of fear for my personal safety, Charlie Sheen, hookers, and the entire Hollywood Foreign Press Agency (who hired him).


Of course it was mean-spirited, which is...


AS IT SHOULD BE!!!


If you are one of those people bitching about how Gervais "crossed the line" last night, then you can just fuck right off and never read my blog again.  I'm serious about that.  Because if you honestly thought that Gervais did anything wrong, then you and I can't be friends.


Let me clarify: not every joke was a great joke. I'll agree that some lines were more clever and better delivered than others.  In fact, some of his jokes fell flat.  But that's a different conversation. That's being critical of Gervais comedic craft and delivery. And that is NOT the argument raging in the Twitter-verse today.  The argument today is about whether or not he was "appropriate."  The conversation is that he was "too mean to the poor little celebrities who he insulted and hurt their poor wittle feewlings." 


Ugh. Some people have no f-cking sense.  THEY ARE CELEBRITIES!!! They make un-godly amounts of money shooting what are often times terrible movies. And this income allows them to go off and do whatever the f-ck they want with little to no concern about anything beyond their immediate desires.  Do you honestly think that most celebrities are nice people who put others first?  Do you think they are humble? Do you think they live "pure" "clean" "sober" lives? Do you think that they never lie, manipulate, or plot? Do you think they don't live in a permanent state of narcissism?  Do you really think that it's unfair for one man to get up and poke fun at them for ONE NIGHT OF THEIR LIVES?  





Please.  Johnny Depp can f-cking deal with it. He can put on his big boy pants and take one moment of not being fawned over.  And Charlie Sheen?  Don't even start with me.  Yeah, he's an addict.  But he's also a chronic asshole.  Take away the addiction and you would still have an asshole: a racist, misogynistic, unfaithful sober asshole.  So no, I don't feel bad that Gervais called him on it.  


And for those of you who were mad at his "I want to thank God for making me an atheist" line at the end of the night...let me tell you something.  I believe in God. And I was NOT offended.  And you shouldn't be either. Why? Two reasons. First, do you honestly believe that everyone who accepted their award and "thanked" God really lives like they appreciate or even acknowledge God? If you do, you're a fool.  


Also, in the same way that each and every person who wants to "thank God" has the right to do so, Gervais has the right to publicly declare atheism.  You now have literally no logical right to be offended by that comment.


And lastly, for those of you who didn't like the show because it made you "uncomfortable" to see the celebrities looking uncomfortable...you just have no sense of humor. Because that shit is hilarious.  





Have you ever seen an interview with a famous person? Have you ever seen a celebrity walk the Red Carpet?  They are sooooo confident, and self possessed, and "on."  They are actors for goodness sake.  Composure is their business. How great is it, then, to watch them freak out while struggling to keep their composure? To see Nicole Kidman's huge lips try not to frown in disapproval?  How funny is it to watch her pretend to be "cool" with Gervais's joking when you can clearly see that she is fuming inside (while also vowing not to eat for 8 weeks straight)?  


Guys, this is why awards shows put 5 different cameras on the 5 nominees as the winner's name is announced...to see the "fake" smiles.  For a split second, we get to watch the four losers' eyes turn red with demonic fury before the "oh, I'm so relieved they won and not me" face gets plastered on.  Come on, you have to love it.  Watching an actor's normally puffed up ego and confidence go down in flames is High Comedy.  Sorry if you are too dumb to get it.


No really. You might be stupid.  The reason American's don't like Gervais is because American's don't like or understand satire.  We like watching Will Ferrell fart and get hit in the testicles.  Because it's mindless.  And it doesn't really say anything about who we are as a people and what we value.  It doesn't challenge you while you laugh.


But Satire does.  Satire is defined as the process of "exposing human vices and follies to ridicule and scorn... ideally with the intent of shaming individuals, and society itself, into improvement...In satire, irony is millitant."


So yeah, Gervais was malicious.  He was sinister and mean. He ridiculed and shamed. He was not nice.  In short, he was the definition of Satire.  And, if you know about Gervais, he is an intellectual.  He knew what he was doing and meant to do it.


The sad thing is, the celebrities are too far up their own asses to comprehend what any of this means.  

Don't be like them.  Understand that Ricky Gervais is a Satirist.  Understand that what we witnessed last night wasn't a case of a man being mean.  It was a man performing a piece of Satire.


And finally, learn from satire. Learn to take a joke and then take the true part of it to heart. It may just make you a better person.

I hate Hemingway.

But I also understand him.  Or at the very least, I understand his compulsion to write while hung over. It really is the only thing that clears the mind.



Writing while drunk? Forget it.  Hemingway, who spent half his life sloshed, knew that it couldn't be done.  Sure, whatever your putting down sounds amazing and transcendent as the booze courses through your veins. Until you look at it later and realize you're a fucking idiot and need to burn the evidence immediately.  So, Hemingway spent half his life tanked and the other half hungover and writing.  There's probably a lesson in there somewhere, but my mind can only focus on one thing at a time right now (which, again, is the best way to write).

And right now, it's officially 2011.

Happy New Year!

And what better way to ring in the New Year/cure that hangover than with a nice, fun, accessible movie?  And what if that nice, fun, accessible movie was also running away with lots of Golden Globe and Oscar nominations?  And had Matt Damon? Well, that movie is called True Grit.

"True Grit"



The original True Grit won John Wayne an Oscar.  And now the Cohen Brothers are doing their take.
I saw the trailer for this over the summer and didn't really pay it any attention. Like, we've all seen the original...why bother?

But then, over the holiday at home, I realized it was probably a good "family movie time" bet.  See, my dad LOVES westerns.  And, by nostalgic extension, so do I.  So we went: David, Mark, Lin and me.  And it was great!

Okay...Pause.  When I say "great,"  I mean it was solid (that's better).  "True Grit" is good, solid entertainment. It's a film that everyone can like.  And during the holidays, any form of inter-family agreement is a good thing.

And, in all honesty, I got a lot more enjoyment out of it than I did out of "Black Swan."



Listen, I had high hopes for Black Swan.  Darren Aronofsky ('The Wrestler' and the amazing but sooo hard to watch 'Requiem for a Dream') makes good movies.  And you all know that I have a sapphic lady crush on Mila Kunis (and she even performs oral sex on Natalie Portman in the movie as an added bonus for you 70/30's and boyfriends).

But still...I was underwhelmed.  I know it has been getting stellar reviews and I do understand that it is well done.  But...fuck.  Could he have "telegraphed" the themes anymore clearly?  Like, the entire time I was sitting in the theater, I was thinking to myself:  "This is Film Symbolism For Idiots."

This was my actual thought process while sitting in the theater:  "Oh, look.  There's Natalie Portman's character seeing herself in a mirror while a huge, fucking picture of a black swan looms ominously in the background.  Oh look, there she is seeing herself turn into Mila Kunis.  Oh look, there she is dressed in white when she's being nice and then showing up in black when she's being bad."

Black Swan= The Scarlet Letter of movies.

And as far as "The King's Speech" goes...it was good. Nice. Pleasant. Colin Firth deserves the Oscar nomination.  But it wasn't Citizen Kane.  My Oscar picks are still brewing, but don't worry. I will have it all formulated and together for you by the time the Golden Globes roll around in two weeks.

And lastly, as per previous promise, the trailer for "Tree of Life."

Terrence Mallick will never win a popularity contest.  He will never be Speilberg, or Scorcese, or Coppola.  He is definitely an acquired taste. Because his movies plod.  They are slow.  They are what I like to call "Look! See!"   He will find an image and just shoot it for minutes at a time. He will let the action unfold, let the scenery move from the background to the foreground, he will give the viewer time to just look around.   And, in the MTV era of 45 frames per second, this can feel Boring.  Sure.

But DAMN.  His movies are just. so. pretty.  Look! See!



That's all for now.  More as award's season gets underway.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!