Ugh...

I'm disgusted with myself for staying away from this blog for so long.  But if you're waiting for some pat statement about how my New Year's Resolution list will include some flimsy promise to blog more...keep waiting.  I mean, I fully intend to blog more in the coming weeks, but I will not "New Year's Promise" anything.

New Year's Resolutions are stupid.  And I mean that in the most demeaning way possible.  I mean, there is just so much wrong with the philosophy under-pinning NY Resolve that if you can't spot some of it yourself, I can't help you.

But what I can help you do is filter through meaningless Hollywood materialism. So here's making up for lost time.

Holiday/Award Movie season is hard upon us.  If you're like me and pretty much live for awards season films, you may have found yourself overwhelmed by your cinematic options.  So I will give you my reviews of what I've seen so that you don't have to.

First:  "Up in the Air"

David loved it.  I didn't.  My parents really didn't.  

The movie is a hyper-realist/"everyman" story.  And that's not a bad thing.  Everyman stories can be some of the best.  But, for me, something about "Up in the Air" just didn't click.

For starters, it's about 25 minutes too long.  There are some scenes where you are left wondering...'what the hell is the point of this'?  And in a film where VERY little intentionally happens, these 'extra characterization scenes' are just uber boring.

And the acting.  Sigh.  This may be my biggest gripe.  Because that's all your hearing.  "Oh the acting acting blah blah so good THE performance of George Clooney's career."  If I was George, I would take this as an insult.  Because while the acting's not bad, it's not exceptional.  He was MUCH better in Syriana and Michael Clayton.  He won accolades for those and that's the way it should stay. I don't think he should win for this.  Sure, in the movie he plays "average" and "averagely depressed" well, but...I mean...so what?  Is that, like, supposed to be hard to represent? 

So in summary...I have to agree with one critic I read.  Is "Up in the Air" a bad film? No.  Is it the best film of the year?  Hell no.

Moving on:

Despite my little bitch fit earlier, my unfailing and eternal love, devotion, and admiration for my BFF Bob won out and I went to see "Sherlock Holmes."

And in a reversal of opinion...I loved it and David didn't.

But I get it.  The movie has problems.  I repeat.  Sherlock Holmes has problems.  And I'm completely ignoring the issue of inaccurate representation.  (Remember, you are not watching a faithful adaptation of Holmes. But that's okay. It's not the issue).  The issue is the editing.

Piss poor editing.  A good 30 minutes needed to be cut out.  Sure, the scenes are funny and cute but they HAVE NO PURPOSE and just cause the movie's pace to slow down and drag drag drag.  

For people like me, though, this can be overlooked.  I mean, I could watch RDJ read the phone book.  And the chemistry with Jude Law is amazing.  And it's set in England.  And there are costumes.  (Squeee!!)

But this isn't enough for the average movie goer.  In the theater, you could feel people getting lost.  They would shuffle their feet, whisper, text, anything to cure the momentary boredom before the film got back on track and the plot became relevant again.

So, if you're not into costume dramas and films with the snail-paced Masterpiece theater feel, you may want to skip it.  But I do want to warn you...Robert Downey Jr. can cover a multitude of sins.  If nothing else consider seeing it for him.

Proof of his amazingness below.  It's the new Iron Man trailer.  Can. Not. Wait.

-P.S.-

As a final, sad parting note... there was one other thing about Sherlock that gave me pause.  Kelly Reilly.  Do you know Kelly Reilly?  She played Mr. Bingly's snooty sister Caroline Bingley in the new Kiera Knightly version of "Pride and Prejudice."  But before that she played the lead burlesque performer in "Mrs. Henderson Presents."   She was great in the former role and knock down, drag out, fucking brilliant in the latter. 

SUCH  a good but under-used actress.  And SO SO SO beautiful.  Crazy interesting face and killer body.  Curves in all the right places, trim but still having thickness in her upper arms.  Eats potato chips occasionally.  Perfect.

(Kelly's the one on the far left.)

Problem? She has destroyed herself.  DESTROYED her body.  In the film, she plays Watson's fiance.  And it took me 20 minutes to recognize her.  She looks sick. Ill. Wasted. Starved. 

Listen, I have body image issues too.  I'm curvy as all get out and I have to work to keep the curves from bubbling over.  But, I can NOT imagine what she had to do to her body to make it look the way it does now. I can't find a pic from the film that I can cut, so click the following link.  Then scroll through to the tenth picture. Yep. Hard to believe, but it's her.

Kelly, 

if you're listening...please stop.  You were so beautiful.  Don't let them tell you to be something you aren't.  I love you,

Leanne

All of you better post and re-post at the bottom of this entry,

because we really could talk about it all day.

"The Princess and the Frog" (out now) is getting great reviews, selling tickets fast, and being hailed as a long overdue triumph.  

But I'm a skeptical bitch.  

There are timing issues here.  There are racial issues (and not in a good way).  There are cracks in this Faberge Disney egg.  If you don't know what I'm talking about...google around for a few minutes.  If you do...discuss.  After all, I know a lot of you are grad students and there's nothing grad students like to do more than philosophize shit like this.  So get to it.

Your convo's. can even lead you directly to the next movie coming out today.  

"Invictus"

 

I'm especially keen to hear Sleight's take on this one.  In case you haven't noticed, I am purposefully deciding to keep my initial opinions/feelings on both these movies to myself for the time being...after all, I haven't seen them.  But I have been able to glean quite a bit from the trailers.  Quite a bit indeed.  Maybe I'll comment on your comments.  Especially if you see what I see.

But what I will say, for the record, is that Matt Damon looks ridiculous.  How out of control is his body?!  And you know what else?  I don't like it.  

Matt is at the top of my "list."  Love. him. so. much.   But I hate the bulk.  He's too smart for it. Instead of looking like the lean, secretly nerdy, but well groomed Harvard Fratty, his body makes him look like some sort of Jersey Shore Meaty.  Not good.  He needs to 86 the chicken and the weight lifting asap.

How's that for a shallow turn?

Lastly:  Here's the DL on an AMAZING tv show that you aren't watching (but should be).

"Bored to Death" is incredible.  Created and written by Johnathan Ames, it's a modern day Don Quixote story set in NYC.  Johnathan (Jason Swchartzmann) is a failing writer who, after reading one too many Raymond Chandler novels, starts moonlighting as a private detective.  His sidekicks are his cartoonist friend Ray (Zach Galifianakis!!!!) and his developmentally arrested boss, George (Ted Danson...who is...quite frankly THE BEST part of the show. Incomparable.)  

Seriously, for those of you looking for something to balm the "AD" pangs, "Bored to Death" will help.  It's incredible.   Unlike "Curb Your Enthusiasm" and even to a lesser extent "The Office," Bored to Death never manipulates you.  It doesn't insist on making you laugh.  The writers aren't phoning it in, and the show never winks at the audience.  It's never false or contrived.  But it's always, always a joy.

Please please please keep this one on the air.

Click through the links (some of which may be dead but keep looking)

Watch Bored to Death

Tiger fucked up.

Sure, the cheating part is the worst, but it's not the only way in which he's screwed the proverbial pooch.

See, infidelity isn't anything shocking. Nothing new. People do it every day. Rich, poor, middling, powerful...they all do it.  Growing up in the social circle I did, I grew numb pretty quickly to the "unfaithful husband" story line.  Plus, if you were to scratch off everyone on your "hero" list (male or female) who had committed adultery, you wouldn't have anymore heroes.  Think about it.  How many kings, queens, artists, writers, philosophers, thinkers, etc. have whipped it out for people other than their spouses? Exactly.

Does this mean it's not serious? No. Does this mean I condone cheating? Absolutely not.  In fact, if I was Elin Woods, I would be packing up baby Sam and the other one in their car seats right now, heading for divorce court. Especially considering the level of sexual treachery that Tiger has apparently committed.  This wasn't a one night stand, or a case of a man who got caught up in something singular.  Hell, no.   Tiger is a dirty, dirty whore who likes to do dirty things with other dirty whores.  Check here and here for the dirt.  See?  He pre-meditatively and repeatedly orchestrated this shit.  Yes, Lorraine Babbit, I hear your righteous call for judgement.

But to get back to my main point... this really isn't the worst of it.  The real reason Tiger Woods will forever, in my book, be considered an irredeemable dumb-ass is because he handled the situation like a complete and total idiot.

Let's break this down:  Tiger's a powerful man. Like, really powerful. Rich, famous, endorsement deals, accolades, respect.  And of course, with lots of power comes a sense of invincibility and entitlement. The "rules" don't apply.  We see this all the time.  It's why powerful people do shady shit...b/c they know think they can.

But from time to time, these people get caught: Letterman, Spitzer, etc.  And what do they do? They realize their hand's been caught in the cookie jar and thus are confronted with the consequences of their actions. They blush. They get humiliated. And they apologize.  

But not Tiger.  He evaded, avoided, and pointed the finger elsewhere.  He was unwilling to talk to police about the accident. He was unwilling to affirm or deny the tabloid rumors of his affairs. In short, he was unwilling to address legitimate authorities, or the public which has helped make him famous.  And finally, after a week of living in the pressure cooker, he releases some dumb-ass statement about how we should butt out of his business. Please.  

Tiger,

You agreed to stick your name and face all over our Gatorade, our shower gel, our razors, even our fucking cars.  We are not your problem. You are your problem.

Do I want a full disclosure of your private life? Fuck no. I don't really care.  And, to a certain extent, I agree that celebrities should not have to reveal the inner workings of their private lives.  

BUT! Put your hubris in the back seat for a minute. After all, that's what got you into this mess in the first place.  When the spotlight that has treated you so well shines on the parts of your life you'd rather keep covered, TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.  Admit you fucked up immediately, and then move on. Take a lesson from Letterman.  He wrote the book and it's a good one. Buy it.  But, I know you won't, because your pride won't let you admit that it's completely your fault.

In your personal statement (Readers: I'm linking it again, because you MUST read it) you have the audacity to judge us (!!!), saying things like "there are important and deep principles at stake" when the public looks at your private life.  Where the FUCK was your attention to other "deep and important principles" when you were sticking your 3 wood into anything that moved? Also, I know you feel that you need to "stick to the [privacy] principle" right now, but what about sticking to the fidelity principle for the last couple of years?

Your back-handed apology proves that you think we are also to blame. And this amount of hubris is intolerable. For this reason that I say: Shame. on. you.

Sincerely,

Leanne

If I could look like anyone,

it would be her.  Of course, ask me this question in a month or two and the answer will be entirely different. But right now, Norah Jones is "The Most Beautiful." 

She was on Colbert the other night, and you could feel it. Colbert and pretty much everyone in the audience was breathless. She was so beautiful, so sexy, and SO SMART.  Unlike most of Colbert's guests, who seem to be searching inside their brains the entire time for something half-way witty to say in response to his questions, Norah was just present.  Her responses were thoughtful and funny, and she wasn't even trying.  She's naturally brilliant, and boy oh boy was it a BIG turn on. Colbert thought so. And I did too.

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Norah Jones
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor U.S. Speedskating

And style!  Oh, her style. Love.

Accessible, but entirely her own.  Norah=my new lady crush.

To film: 

It's been a weird week.  Ladies, you know what I mean.  It's been one of those weeks where you start crying at Mastercard commercials but laugh inappropriately during "Damages."

So this may be coloring my view of things just a bit, but I kind of can't wait for "The Road." Have you seen the trailer? Yep, the tears come around the 1:30 mark.  Brutal. 

I started reading the book today (because I need to read it anyway) and because I need to find out if I can handle the movie.  See, I don't handle visual violence very well, so I may not be able to sit through a screening of "The Road."  Apparently, they have taken out the most disturbing parts of the book, and Viggo Mortensen (for me) can cover all manner of sins, but it's still going to be bleak. BLEAK.

Which is strange because Cormac McCarthy isn't what I picture when I think of a dark, violent writer.  Quite the opposite.  Almost like a cowboy.  Have you seen his Oprah Interview?  He's an odd one, but not at all threatening.

And speaking of Oprah,

really?  Really?  What will 40 year old women do?!  How will they learn about the porn industry, find out if their husband may be cheating, and get decorating tips?  Tyra sure as hell won't do it, because, you know, her show is only about her.  At least Joel McHale will have plenty to talk about on the Soup once TYRAnnosaurus Banks takes over the air waves.  Unless he quits too.

Love.

  

85 Million.

That's my prediction for "Twilight: New Moon"'s weekend box office total.  If you aren't in the movie "know," this is a HUGE number.  HUGE.  

Hard to believe, but it will make it. Guaranteed.  If you doubt me, you are obviously just trying to pick a fight, or you are unaware of the Twi-Crazy.

The Twi-crazy is the most bat shit insane stuff I have ever seen.  

No, really. Have you heard about this?  

It defies belief. It boggles the mind. Twilight fans are like pitbulls. Fiercely loyal, they will defend Stephenie Meyer, Bella, and Edward aka. Robert Pattinson to the seventh circle of hell even if it means sacrificing their morals or their young.  Seriously.

Proof: My favorite gossip blogger is Lainey Lu of LaineyGossip.com (she's hysterical).  She's a smart, well-read chick who calls the Twilight series as it is: the idea is fun, the writing sucks balls, the movies are sub-par, and the actors are pretty.  But because she is willing to call a spade a spade, she engenders a lot of hate. Here is only a sampling of some of the hate mail she has received.

Lainey you are such a stupid bitch. I’m reading you gushing over Shia Ladouche’s ugly girlfriend. How can you say she’s pretty with ugly short hair? According to you everyone should get an Oscar except for the person who deserves one and that is Rob Pattinson. Steph said last year that he deserved it for Twilight the people are too stuck up and I agree. I predict they will wake up to his talent this year though unlike your stupid ass after they see him in New Moon. You will see on November 20 and the world will not be the same. There’s nothing holding him back now and his performance deserves to be appreciated instead of kissing Shawn Penn’s ass. How hard is it to play a gay? You just have to act like a girl. GO ROB! And F-CK YOU LAINEY.

(FYI: The actors playing Bella and Edward are named Rob and Kristin and are a...gasp! orgasm!... real life couple. This little tid-bit explains the following hate)

I better not see you snark about Robsten holding hands tomorrow or I will fly to Vancouver and stick some real American revenge inside your pussy Canadian chink ass. From Denise

Dear Lainey, remember this day November 10/2009 for it’s when we were reborn to busk in the light of the love of Robsten, rejoicing in the desecration of those that hate the goodness and only seek the darkness. From Cathy 

What’s up Lamey? Are you hiding? Why not blogs about this, embarassed now? WE WERe RIGHT ALL ALONG AND YOU WERE WRONG MOTHERF-CKER! Let me guess that is staged? WRONG AGAIN. Real love cannot be held back. You tried to soffocate them but the truth will always come out. From Linda 

Lainey, Nikki was just a distraction. Rob was waiting for his eternal. When she was ready he had his chance and he took it. The prize is their love. And we are the winners in this beautiful story. I am toasting you tonight with champagne. We went to buy a bottle because we finally have an occasion. From Sharon 

And yes, all the typos are theirs.  So sick. So sad and pathetic.  My favorite?  'We bought a bottle of champagne b/c we finally have a reason to celebrate.'  The horror, the horror.

The good news is that Lainey is a cool chick who takes it in stride and still really likes communicating with her readers. So, I recently sent her an e-mail about my own encounter with Twi-hards (a few girls I teach got all bitchy with me when I criticized the books).  This was her response as posted on her website the next morning.

Thanks for your emails re: Twi-Hard hatemail, I appreciate the balancing support. I feel I have to clarify though: these are not young girls, not teens. Each and every piece of hate is from an adult female. How about that?

Yours in gossip,

Lainey

INSANE!!! But true. I did my own research and Lainey is right.  40 year old ADULT Twi-moms are the core of the Twi-hards.  Did you see Oprah on Friday? That alone proves it.  

What else proves it? On a more local/personal level, I received this from my most beloved Erin today.  Apparently, a customer was having a birthday meal at the restaurant where Erin works. Her friends brought along a "special guest" to surprise said birthday girl, and Erin was lucky enough to snap a few pics. with him.

Erin sees a "special guest" while at work

That's right. That is a life-size, cardboard cut-out of Edward Cullen, the Vampire given as a gift.  And I would be willing to bet half my next paycheck that she also received one of these.

That's right. They sparkle AND you can put them in the freezer.  With her Vamp and her cut-out, I'm sure she had a very meaningful birthday (is "meaningful" the right word?)

(Again-Thanks to Erin for sending these pics along. And to reiterate...it was a CUSTOMER that masterminded this.  My Erin was an innocent albeit enamored bystander. -wink-)

So...if you are planning on going anywhere this weekend, you might want to avoid the cineplex. And even if you want to see New Moon (I'll see it eventually I'm sure), I recommend waiting a few days until the Crazies disperse. 

This post may seem pointless, but I feel it's my duty to alert you to cult craziness and this is definitely a dark and increasingly loud sect. Plus, you need to be aware of what will be happening at theaters this weekend. With this said...You have been warned.

PS. I am so incredibly jealous of Lainey's hate mail.  It is my life's ambition to receive this kind of hate mail.  And no, I'm really not kidding.

Yes, it was awesome.

"An Education" is an incredible film and you should all see it. As soon as possible. Carrie Mulligan FTW (seriously...she WILL get an Oscar nomination: bet it).

I'm still waiting patiently for "Up in the Air" and "Nine" to come out, but until then, there are a few less delicious treats for my (and your) eyes to feast on.

Next week, two delightful films will open nationwide. And when I say delightful, I mean it. These will not be Oscar contenders, they won't change or challenge you, you won't leave the theater in tears. 

But they will be fun, fun, fun. The first of these happy, smart movies is:

"Fantastic Mr. Fox"

My love for Wes Anderson is no secret.  Yes, I know; not all of his movies have been as stellar as critics like to think. But I will never recant my statement that "The Royal Tenenbaums" is one of the best films in recent history. I love it. So much.   And I love Wes. And Owen. And Jason Schwartzmann (who will be getting his own half post very very soon). Even Bill Murray has a role in "The Fox."

Now I know some of you may be thinking...blech blech...it's soooo ridiculous that Anderson routinely uses the same 10 people in all his films...scorn scorn...nepotism.  But Wes has heard your judgemental cry. Which is why he's bringing in some fresh, albeit heavy-hitting blood. George Clooney and Meryl Streep are the film's actual headliners.  That's right. The King of Cool and Queen Meryl will be the stars of Wes Anderson's newest film.  I mean...I'm hyperventilating, and I haven't even seen it yet.

For those of you unfamiliar with the premise, it's a re-telling of Roald Dahl's book of the same name. And it's stop motion animation.  And will be almost too much giggly goodness for me to handle.

The other wonderfully good feel-good movie to come is:

"Pirate Radio" (formerly known as "The Boat That Rocked")

This film has been out for AGES in Europe and GB. And has done really really well.  Please go see it so that, once again, we American's don't prove to the rest of the world our dumb-ass-ness and bad taste in films.

It's by Richard Curtis who has done sooo many amazingly funny British RomCom's including one of my other most favorite films of all time "Love Actually."  (I mean...that movie is....perfect.)  Pirate Radio is based on true events in the 1960's when the BBC banned "rock" music from national broadcasts. So, a bunch of hippie DJ's went out into international waters and started broadcasting rock and roll hits to the musically starved masses.  

And speaking of casts...look at this cast.  Philip Seymour Hoffman, Kenneth Branagh, Emma Thompson, Bill Nighy, Nick Frost, and even newbie Tom Sturridge who is about to give his longtime BFF Robert Pattinson ("Twilight" vampire guy) a run for his money in the heart throb category. Bet this too: These two boys will soon be the new Ben and Matt. 

Both films come out November 13. It will be a busy weekend.

P.S. 

THIS DRESS. This dress is blowing my mind.  And she has such great style. 

  

WARNING: The following content is Snark only (Film and Fashion later this week, promise).

Long car rides are tough.  Times passes slowly and there are only so many times you can hear "Use Somebody" or "All the Single Ladies" before losing your shit.

This is why car games are important.  And I don't mean "Collect the State Plates" or "I Spy with My Little Eye."  You need more innovation than this. Especially if the person sitting in the seat next to you is a.) over six and b.) has been dating you for over half a decade.  

When done right "Deal Breakers" can be really, really fun. And shockingly insightful. And, in all honestly, beneficial to any monogamous relationship.  It puts things in perspective. It reminds you that you are, in fact, with someone who values you and vice-versa. Plus, it's funny as hell.

Now is the time for the final warning. The following lists are full of stereotypes and scathing, superficial, and totalizing judgements.  If such declarative, narrow minded criticism offends you, do not read further. Take your self-righteousness to GOOP or some other such blog.  Because it doesn't belong here.

"Deal Breakers"*

The rules of deal breakers are simple. You must list in brief phrasing the qualitative appearances, accessories, occupations, or other accoutrement's that an individual can possess that occlude you from ever even considering entering a dating relationship with said individual.  No matter how "hot" "nice" "etc." that person may be reputed to be, their affiliation with said object reveals an intrinsic truth about them that you find repellent.  These things are deal breakers.

*To reiterate, these laws apply only to romantic relationships. Individuals can (sometimes) be friends with and (in only some instances) even respect individuals with "deal-breaker" qualities.  They simply can not enter into close emotional and sexual bonds with them.

David's Deal Breakers

1. Women who have, or want, a small dog that doubles as an accessory

2. Heavy makeup

3. Heavy perfume (offensive or not since the latter becomes the former in large quantities)

4. French pressed nails (esp. if regularly maintained/changed)

5. Stripper (irregardless of breast size)

6. Tramp stamp

(sorry...there were just too many to choose from) 

7. Women wearing basketball jerseys outside of appropriate sporting arena or in-home event viewing

8. Women wearing men's khaki shorts 

9. Tanning bed membership

10. Live-in in-law (excepting medical/financial necessity)

Leanne's Deal Breakers

1. Men wearing basketball jerseys outside of appropriate sporting arena or in-home event viewing

2. Soul patches

3. Dodge Magnums, Avengers, Cameros, or other similar "modern" muscle cars

4. One or more chains of any size 

5. Truck nuts

6. A car or truck (usually the latter) adorned with any form of hunting-related sticker or other such paraphernalia (Note: #5 usually accompanies #6. Furthermore, men who own these are often referred to in their absence as "You know X, the guy who likes to hunt." However, please note that the deal-breaker does not describe every man who, on occasion does go and hunt. Rather, the "automobile markers" serve to inform potential mates that the owner is defined by his obsession and that this is ridiculous and intolerable.)

7. Police officer or police officer in training (criminal justice majors will be taken under close and unfairly critical review)

8. Any member of any branch of the United States Armed Forces

9. Any facial piercing (lip, eyebrow, tongue, nose, etc.)

10. Live-in in-law (excepting medical/financial necessity)

Now it's time for you to descend to my level. Brush that self-righteousness off your shoulders and tell me...What are yours [and yours's]?